Frozen” Indeed.

It’s no secret that I’ve got a couple of daughters, the ZPupps. Which means it’s also no secret that I—like so many fathers worldwide—am routinely forced to suffer through the slightly off-key vocal stylings of pre-teens belting out “Let It Go” from the smash Disney musical Frozen. Repeatedly. Pretty much everywhere. And I’ve had it!

Look, it’s not that I don’t think the song’s theme of embracing urinary and fecal incontinence is noble—we all know that teaching young people to go ahead and “let it go” instead of trying to fight the urge would certainly be a boon to the Diaper Industrial Complex (DIC), which could now expand its market well into the ‘tween demographic. It’s Marketing 101, people.

What doesn’t make sense is how Disney could completely ignore and alienate the lucrative 40-90 year old prostatically-challenged male demographic. And while incontinence can certainly occur here, this cohort is much more concerned with the opposite problem. Any man with half a prostate would agree! (well, assuming the half-prostate in question was larger than a normal full prostate, but now we’re just splitting hairs)

So I’ve written and performed—once again with the help of audio whiz and Rabbit! rock star Devin Moore—an emotional, epic anthem…about urinary retention. Unfortunately, my daughters have begun to sing my version. At school.

I wish Child Protective Services would just let it go.

Get the track here!

It’s just so white in the bowl tonight
Not a droplet to be seen
A bathroom of isolation
Cause it looks like there’s no stream
My bladder’s bursting with this urine still inside
Couldn’t force it out, heaven knows I’ve tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be a good boy, just hurry up and pee
This hose is kinked by my prostate, ohhh
Now I just can’t go…
Let it flow, let it flow
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it flow, let it flow
Turn and slam the bathroom door
Here I stand
My junk in hand
I could strain all day, but
This cath never bothered me anyways