Unworthiness and Worthiness are BOTH Bulls***

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00:00:01.040 Yeah, we’re live. I don’t know why. Let’s do this. Come on in. It’s Friday night. I call this
00:00:08.000 Friday Night Zen Live because why not? It has nothing to do with Zen. I don’t know. I actually don’t know anything
00:00:13.519 about Zen. I read a book or two. It’s just another story. But this is what’s
00:00:20.160 happening. So, let’s share it. I honestly the only reason I’m doing these videos now like
00:00:27.439 so much has kind of fallen away. It’s like I do them for me. Like I I like
00:00:34.160 these conversations because the words that come out of my mouth in response to whatever you guys are commenting,
00:00:40.399 I don’t know where they come from and they and they come right back and recondition this in some way. It’s
00:00:47.600 inexplicable, difficult to talk about, but it’s all for me. So hopefully you benefit too. But if not, that’s that’s
00:00:54.000 okay. Now I got to find your comments here. And this is where it gets ugly cuz
00:00:59.199 I got an iPad and of course it doesn’t do what I need it to do. So I’ll pull up
00:01:05.840 the Well, you know what? Maybe I can just pull them up here. Yeah, that’ll do it. All right. Um, so
00:01:13.600 Erica and Satinagra and Sylvia,
00:01:20.320 um, all kinds of people. Happy Friday at this point. We are some sort of therapy
00:01:26.320 for you, says Erica Black. Well, this is the thing. It’s therapy.
00:01:34.159 It’s therapy, but not for me. This is what’s very strange. So, okay, this is
00:01:40.640 where I am right now. I like there’s this character Zuben, this with a story and a center and a sense of
00:01:48.880 me and a sense of self and that appears and alternates with complete nothing,
00:01:54.880 empty, radiant, just thisness. And sometimes they overlap.
00:02:02.399 And it’s a little disconcerting because the remnants of this s this
00:02:08.800 residual belief in a self like in in a me which doesn’t exist. You can’t find
00:02:15.440 it but there’s a root belief that it’s there that is still it hasn’t fully
00:02:22.160 gone. And so it’s this very awkward
00:02:27.360 like adolescent phase of whatever where
00:02:32.560 part of the time you’re just contracted into self and it feels really uncomfortable like
00:02:38.640 everything’s happening to me and there’s still seeking and a desire to like end
00:02:45.200 the discomfort like a restlessness and then that’s like coexistent and
00:02:50.640 alternating with I know it doesn’t make any sense. complete absolute perfection,
00:02:56.959 equinimity, nobody home, just the home, just the
00:03:02.319 dance of the phenomena. Even that’s like just a wonky way to say it. I I I really I don’t know. I’m I’m
00:03:09.680 going to rely on you guys talking to see what comes up in terms of expression
00:03:15.040 because this can’t be put into words, but the words come from a place that you
00:03:20.480 might where you are feel or resonate with as a yes, like a
00:03:27.760 yeah, that’s right. Or it may not. And that’s fine, too. It doesn’t I don’t give two shits.
00:03:34.879 It’s funny like I’m not doing this to help other people. I’m not doing this even to help me. I’m doing this because
00:03:42.480 there’s not there’s literally no choice. Like it arises and I’m like I’m going to do this and there’s some
00:03:49.680 when I reflect on it when there’s reflection it’s like yeah there’s some benefit maybe
00:03:55.040 for me for sure. I don’t know about you guys. And also like Zuben finds it fun.
00:04:00.400 The the character the conditioning the sort of momentum of this like the
00:04:05.680 personality that’s all still there. It’s just it’s seen as what it is. It loves this [ __ ] Like this is like social hour
00:04:13.680 for it because otherwise it doesn’t doesn’t hang out with a lot of people. Um it’s really kind of pulled back from
00:04:20.720 all that because there’s just not an interest. Um let’s see.
00:04:27.360 Already Saturday for Soygat you in Australia cross the international date
00:04:32.560 line. How many of you guys have seen Physical Asia on Netflix? No spoilers. It is crazy good the way they edit it.
00:04:39.520 It’s like this is all kind of a belief delusion dream, but it’s actually
00:04:45.120 appearing. So, the appearance is real. Then you put TV, like well done, well edited, well storied TV into it, and
00:04:52.320 it’s like a dream within a dream, a matrix within a matrix. It’s really fascinating and incredibly entertaining
00:04:58.160 for no one. Um, do you still suffer? Says Susan. So
00:05:04.479 suffering has this flavor. Now suffering comes up when
00:05:11.600 it it’s almost always like this. In fact, it’s always like this. When I feel when there’s suffering, there’s an I
00:05:19.919 that it’s happening to that something’s happening to. And for me, for Zuben, that often comes up as a feeling of
00:05:27.280 unworthiness. So that’s what’s left is this core like operating system that’s
00:05:32.880 running like Mac OS or you know Windows 95 because I’m that old. The Windows 95
00:05:39.440 DOSS prompt is still running and the software that it’s running says you’re a
00:05:44.560 separate person who will never be good enough, will never be enough, will never
00:05:49.680 be smart enough, a good enough YouTuber, whatever the [ __ ] that is, awake enough,
00:05:55.759 whatever the [ __ ] that is. Because here’s a secret, guys. It’s not a secret. It’s the most obvious thing. Who
00:06:02.160 is it that wakes up? And what are you waking up from?
00:06:07.600 It seems to me that all that happens is a mistaken belief, a delusion. And I
00:06:14.319 don’t even know what a belief is made of. Maybe it’s thought, maybe it’s energy, maybe it’s sensation, I don’t know. But it goes, it relaxes.
00:06:23.280 And what is left is just the truth. So what isn’t true, this delusion that
00:06:28.479 you’re a separate self that is unworthy relaxes and then there’s just all of
00:06:35.039 life and there’s nobody that it’s happening to. So when suffering happens,
00:06:41.600 I got to put that on mute cuz my daughter’s like, “What’s for dinner?” I’m like,
00:06:47.039 “That’s a perennial question, isn’t it? What will my answer do to actually
00:06:52.960 change the outcome?” Nothing. Maybe she’s just curious. Usually it’s like so she can complain about it. Chicken. I
00:07:00.400 don’t want chicken. It’s like before enlightenment, chop
00:07:05.599 wood, carry water. After enlightenment, make [ __ ] dinner for your kids and have them complain about it. Um,
00:07:11.919 so the suffering seems to happen when something occurs and it triggers
00:07:18.720 that software to activate. And when it activates the conditioning shows up as a
00:07:24.479 sense that there’s a zubin here that’s me that something is happening to me and
00:07:30.720 I’m not good enough. So the suffering comes from this sense that you’re not good enough and then the seeking to try
00:07:37.840 to either distance from that in some way. So kind
00:07:44.240 of distract or you re you wallow in it in which case
00:07:49.440 you’re just miserable. Or you count like project the opposite. So it’s like
00:07:56.400 oh I’ll show them. I better go do a thing to show X, Y, and Z that I’m
00:08:02.000 worthy or I’m good enough. And mo most often it’s you’re showing you. You’re
00:08:07.120 showing the conditioning. See, you can make it better by just doing the thing. Now, here’s so that’s the suffering that
00:08:14.160 still arises. It it relates to the root of unworthiness. And and I’ve done a lot of looking at this. So, the way you see
00:08:20.080 this is you keep you just look what’s going on in the body? What’s happening? Okay. What just triggered me? Oh, it’s
00:08:25.120 this. What’s the root of it? Oh, ultimately as you dig down, you realize for me it’s different for everyone
00:08:30.400 maybe, but for me, I can’t say anything about anyone else. For me, it’s bro,
00:08:35.440 you’ve never been good enough. Everybody else is good. Everybody else is fine. You’re not like that’s what it feels
00:08:40.559 like. And the fundamental belief there is that you’re a being apart from life
00:08:46.800 that isn’t good enough to be alive, isn’t good enough for life itself, isn’t good enough for society, the matrix,
00:08:53.200 whatever this delusion is. So when that’s operating there’s suffering and
00:08:58.399 when it when it when the suffering happens it often triggers a looking naturally now where there’s a looking in
00:09:04.560 and going oh yeah there’s unworthiness oh yeah there’s a sense of like the self
00:09:11.200 coming in an owning experience as the one who can suffer the one who isn’t
00:09:16.560 good enough and then there’s this remarkable relaxation like a seeing through in in
00:09:24.800 that moment that oh well let’s look then so where is this unworthiness can you actually find the one in here that could
00:09:32.640 be worthy or unworthy so it’s not a question of like this [ __ ] therapy
00:09:37.839 man some therapy is just like no let’s address the roots of your unworthiness
00:09:43.760 by showing you reframe this which is fine by the way I don’t mean to it’s
00:09:48.800 just look I can’t [ __ ] lie anymore like when something seems ridiculous and absurd to me and most things do now that
00:09:55.279 humans do, including me. I just have to say it. So, bear with me. I’m not trying to be mean about therapy. I’m not trying
00:10:01.360 to say don’t do therapy. I’ve done therapy. Uh they’ll say, “Oh, let’s um
00:10:08.880 let’s uh reframe that.” No, there’s all these things about you that are worthy. You are good enough. You are enough. You
00:10:17.600 are loved. You are whole. You are um
00:10:26.000 worthy of all these things. Look at all the things you’ve done or just even forget about anything you’ve done.
00:10:31.200 You’re you’re innately worthy. Absolute [ __ ] horseshit. You know
00:10:38.160 what that does? It sets up and makes real the duality between worthiness and
00:10:43.519 unworthiness. Cuz here’s the truth. Here’s how you see through that. And by the way, you don’t
00:10:49.279 do it because the you that would see through it is seen through in the process of this. There is no
00:10:55.200 unworthiness and there is no worthiness because there’s no self. There’s no you
00:11:04.480 that could be worthy or unworthy. So what the [ __ ] are we talking about? That’s what’s seen through.
00:11:14.079 There’s nothing at the core of you. There’s no being there. There’s no soul.
00:11:21.600 There’s no [ __ ] worthy or unworthy. There is absolutely nothing but this
00:11:29.040 thising always. And it’s always been like that. So where the hell is
00:11:35.680 worthiness and unworthiness coming up? It’s coming up from that energetic belief, the conditioning, the human
00:11:42.480 appearance. It’s nothing. It’s all of this showing up as belief in self and
00:11:48.000 unworthiness. That’s all it is. So the minute you see that, you realize it’s a belief in a delusion. It’s not true. The
00:11:55.120 only thing that’s true is the appearance of it. Yeah. It appears to as truth, but it’s not because it’s
00:12:01.680 like a mirage like everything and it’s seen right through. And through that, the entire self structure dissolves and
00:12:08.720 there’s just this
00:12:14.399 And this isn’t in time. It has nothing to do with space. It has nothing to do with birth and death. It has everything
00:12:20.560 to do with just exactly what the [ __ ] it is, which is a to the mind, to the sense
00:12:25.839 of self, a total mystery. To this, it doesn’t give a [ __ ] because it’s exactly
00:12:30.959 what it is and it’s always been. And that just that is freedom for no one
00:12:37.440 because you’re not there. So, you see this way of speaking, it doesn’t sell
00:12:43.200 books. It doesn’t sell clicks. You’re not going to like this video. You’re going to hit the thumbs down. The
00:12:49.519 algorithm is not going to feed it to you. And I couldn’t give two shits. Zuben might have, but like even Zuben is
00:12:57.360 like he’s starting to see that it doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter because this is not for anyone.
00:13:04.800 This is pretty radically free. Like I got all this equipment. I got
00:13:09.839 this studio. I got all this [ __ ] just to go live for no one. There’s nobody here. There’s nothing happening.
00:13:16.560 It’s crazy. It’s a miracle actually that even the delusion can exist. Like that’s
00:13:22.320 how compelling this whole thing is. Like wow. It’s like watching physical 100 Asia. Like you just are sucked in.
00:13:28.560 You’re like, “Yeah, Indonesia, Thailand, go Thailand.” And it’s all just [ __ ] made up. It’s all a story made up by
00:13:35.040 some producers and an editor.
00:13:40.320 Soygat says, “Are you vegan? There’s been a recent realization that because of me consuming animal products, I cause
00:13:45.760 suffering to animals. So, I have become vegan.” That’s beautiful. Become vegan. If you don’t want to cause suffering to animals, you can become vegan.
00:13:54.399 I’m not I don’t see any relation of veganism to non-duality to anything to
00:14:00.160 any of this. It is entirely whatever this appearance decides. This appearance
00:14:06.800 decides it doesn’t like seeing animals suffer. And by the way, this does not. It does not. It does not like seeing
00:14:12.320 animals suffer. It also happens to like meat. It eats a lot less of it these
00:14:17.600 days. It eats a lot more plant stuff, but it likes meat and it’s not about to go vegan because it doesn’t like it. It
00:14:24.639 gives it gas. It doesn’t like it. So, yeah, I I think it’s beautiful that
00:14:30.480 you make that decision. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s a beautiful story. Um, we’re living in story land. It’s just like people are like, “Trump,
00:14:36.320 no Trump. Give me a [ __ ] break. There is no Trump.” And then they’ll say, “Well, you haven’t been deported.” No, I
00:14:42.399 haven’t. So, I don’t give a [ __ ] And the truth is, neither should you, honestly, about any of this because it’s
00:14:49.040 all a story. It’s all a story. The thing is, I’m saying should and all that. The truth is, you will. You will give a [ __ ]
00:14:56.160 because that’s how the conditioning is. And we’re all playing out our conditioning. The character of Zuben kind of does give a [ __ ] about certain
00:15:02.079 things, but it’s seen through very quickly. Like a [ __ ] is given and then the [ __ ] is released. It’s like [ __ ] given, [ __ ] released,
00:15:08.800 [ __ ] given, [ __ ] released over and over and over. And it used to be [ __ ] was given and then ruminated on and then grasped at and then sought after and
00:15:15.519 then all for the me that isn’t to be found. It’s the cosmic joke. Poof. There’s
00:15:22.480 nothing here at the center of it. You could say it’s all made of um you know love, but even that’s just a story. You
00:15:29.040 can experience that. But that’s a story too. So we’re living in a story. Great. Embrace it. Live the story you want.
00:15:35.440 Make the meaning you want. The existentialists were [ __ ] right. You make the meaning. There’s no inherent
00:15:40.880 meaning. There’s no purpose. There’s no direction. Nothing’s actually happening because nothing’s moving. This is
00:15:47.360 stillness vibrating as this mystery.
00:15:54.240 Um
00:16:00.399 Mark Gregory says, “Uh, wish I could stick around with family in town.” Okay. Uh, these people are still texting. Oh,
00:16:06.560 yeah. That’s the families now texting each other. Um,
00:16:12.079 let’s see. Hey, Rhysa. Hey, George. Grandparent George.
00:16:18.160 Uh, Sylvia says, “Don’t you think unworthiness is all our suffering? It is
00:16:23.360 for me.” Well, um, Sylvia, between you, me, and the wall, for me, it’s exactly that. Let let Okay, let me let me let me
00:16:32.480 my supporters have already heard the story. I’m going to not include some of the parts. Um supporters meaning the
00:16:39.440 people who subscribe for the five bucks a month and I do live we have live conversations, we do Zoom meetings, that kind of thing. Um
00:16:47.680 recently I had an experience where I was feeling this unworthiness arise and I was like okay so now at this stage of
00:16:53.360 whatever this [ __ ] thing is Zuben cannot look away from this sort of thing. So when something
00:16:59.519 like that arises instead of making distance or trying to assuage it, numb it, um ignore it, deny it, project away
00:17:06.799 from it, all the patterns of behavior we’ve uh developed over our lives to avoid this core sense, whatever it is
00:17:13.839 for you. For me, it was clear it was this unworthiness. And so I started feeling into it directly and realizing
00:17:20.160 everything that’s ever happened in my life that’s caused suffering has been related to a core sense of a self that
00:17:26.799 is unworthy. always I couldn’t find an exception.
00:17:31.919 Not good enough. Unworthiness simply for me it means
00:17:37.600 it means not enough, not capable, not good enough, not whole, always trying to
00:17:43.840 get better and show that they’re better, but ultimately knowing it will never work. That’s it. And it’s a little
00:17:50.960 different than shame. Shame is like, no, I’m bad. I’m evil. Like something is
00:17:56.320 twisted in me. like I’m a terrible person like that kind of thing. Shame arises for sure but it’s not the core
00:18:03.600 thing for me. For some it is for me I think it’s unworthiness like you will
00:18:09.120 never be okay. You’ll never be enough. And that goes I don’t know what the origin was. It doesn’t matter. It really
00:18:16.080 doesn’t matter. You can go you can notice it. That’s fine. But it’s not like you’re going to cure that by noticing the origin. Maybe you will. But
00:18:23.120 for me it was more just noticing that it’s that it’s there. shining the light of attention on that and it that was
00:18:30.559 hidden that was a hidden operating system. So then I go back in my history, okay, why did I become a doctor? To prove that I was [ __ ] smart
00:18:37.600 to make a living so that
00:18:43.200 I would feel safe because I always felt like I wouldn’t be able to make a living because I wasn’t smart enough, capable
00:18:48.720 enough, normal enough, couldn’t fit into American society as the child of immigrants, funny name, short, [ __ ]
00:18:55.760 weird, like always have been weird. Uh so that that conditioning is like drives
00:19:02.880 everything I’ve done. Relationships same thing like when women were interested in
00:19:08.640 me that was um the only type of person
00:19:14.160 that I could safely be with because if I were interested in someone there would I knew
00:19:21.120 I would be rejected like I just knew it because of the unworthiness like initially. Now, what’s interesting
00:19:27.360 is with my wife, we were both interested in each other. And it just so worked out. But there have been I’ve been in
00:19:33.360 many relationships where it was like, “Oh, they’re interested in me. Okay, they can tolerate this brokenness, so I
00:19:42.000 should be with them.” And then these monogous relationships. And so looking at relationships, looking at um
00:19:49.200 behavior. So, uh why do I make videos for so many years? Oh, because you’re
00:19:56.080 seeking the approval of others to make you feel like you don’t have to look at the fact
00:20:03.840 that you know you’re not good enough. So, it’s beyond imposttor syndrome. It’s um
00:20:12.559 it’s like it’s a core it’s a core operating system of unworthiness. Imposter syndrome is a little funny because it’s like, oh, you know, yeah,
00:20:18.960 I’m they’re going to figure out that I don’t know what I’m doing because this is a really hard profession and I really
00:20:24.400 don’t know what I’m doing. Like, honestly, but unworthiness is like, no, I’m incapable.
00:20:30.159 Everybody else is capable, but I’m totally incapable of doing this because there’s just something wrong with me. So, I’m going to keep chasing a way to
00:20:37.280 make myself not feel this. So, cuz it’s very uncomfortable to feel unworthy that you feel it in the body. So this is what
00:20:43.120 I noticed is like when that when that software activates there’s there’s a contraction in the body there’s a
00:20:48.159 feeling of oh and there’s a feeling of urgency to do something. So then the behavior happens whether it’s and it
00:20:55.120 could be substances, it could be addiction. For me it was self soothing with food and then feeling unworthy of
00:21:01.600 ever being in shape because I’m always eating food to self soothe. It’s total paradox, right? The humans are so
00:21:08.080 [ __ ] [ __ ] up. It’s crazy that we are able at any point in our lives to even see any of this even at at the at
00:21:14.559 the tip of the iceberg level. So
00:21:21.840 the unworthiness piece and it may be a very common thing I think for me it’s
00:21:28.080 the driver of all suffering pretty much. Pretty much. Um
00:21:37.280 yeah that’s what I think. Um let’s take a look here. Hey Mike. It’s always been
00:21:44.080 love that. Yeah. This has always been that’s the thing is what what you what the realization shows you is there is no
00:21:50.559 time. Time is a story. It’s a thought construction. And so
00:21:57.919 this dance of aliveness
00:22:07.200 has it’s this is it. It’s always this. It’s always been this. So all your
00:22:12.400 memories and everything, they’re just phantoms of this. This is always is all that’s ever going on. And it’s not even
00:22:18.080 going on. It’s like just
00:22:23.520 like this eternally, not in time. So you can’t say anything’s happening because
00:22:28.720 nothing’s moving through time. Time is another one of these tendrils
00:22:35.679 that appears as a as a radically ephemeral, impermanent
00:22:40.720 phenomena. That’s it. It’s a It’s like a thought, belief, energetic strand of nothing
00:22:47.120 showing up. It’s just what it is. It’s just the appearance. And so is [ __ ] unworthiness. So then
00:22:54.720 you turn in and you look, where is this unworthiness? What is it? A thing that I can find? Can I look for it? Does it
00:22:59.919 even make sense? Where what is here that could be unworthy? This is a story I’ve already seen through. There’s no
00:23:06.480 homunculus in here pulling the strings. There isn’t that first of all the
00:23:12.880 narrative self the s sense of the story died whatever when that when there was
00:23:18.640 awakening from the dream of the story but at this point there’s no awakening
00:23:24.320 because there’s not what do you it doesn’t even this isn’t it’s like it something ends the belief in a separate
00:23:32.000 self that’s unworthy ends and then what is seen is what’s left which is truth
00:23:39.679 this and you c you can’t talk about it. But
00:23:44.799 here I am moving my mouth because I’m speaking from it. If that makes any sense. And it’s not me doing it. The
00:23:51.200 speaking is is it. It is it. It is the life lifing.
00:23:57.200 And those who resonate with this will resonate with it. Those who don’t don’t. And it there’s no explanation, no
00:24:02.480 reason, no validation or invalidation from that.
00:24:12.640 Kathy says, “When you appreciate the brokenness of each other, you find your person.” Oh, yeah. In a partner. Yeah. I
00:24:19.679 I don’t even know. I think the partner partnership is a mystery. It’s energetic to me. It’s just like, “Yep, that
00:24:26.080 clicks.” There’s a kind of radical acceptance and a rejection, too. Like, there’s parts
00:24:32.799 that you’re just like, “I don’t like that.” And that’s just preferences. Those arise. Yeah. We hold ourselves to
00:24:38.400 the standard with a partner that we’re not supposed to judge and this and that. But no, but judgment arises another appearance. You don’t control any of
00:24:43.760 this. Yeah. Human relationships are a [ __ ] mystery. They’re a mystery, right, Risa?
00:24:49.919 You and I, we’re so funny. We’re like me and Risa. Love I Well, I’ll speak for me. I love Risa. And Risa and I have
00:24:57.760 like been through, you know, the drama of doing this thing together and then me
00:25:03.440 saying I need to let it go and then the [ __ ] letting go of that. And it was such, oh my god, it’s so painful. And
00:25:09.679 yet here we are. Like I think we’re pretty good buddies.
00:25:15.440 And Reese is one of the few people my wife actually likes. My wife is not a social person except at
00:25:22.640 work she has to do it. But like when Risa came she was like yeah. She’s like hanging out with us the whole evening. I
00:25:27.760 was like, damn, who is this woman? It’s amazing. It’s a testament to to Reese. Also, the mystery of human relationship.
00:25:36.640 Um, yeah, DNT says, “Attachment to desired
00:25:42.400 outcomes has created suffering here recently.” Yeah, beautiful. So,
00:25:51.360 so what is it that is and this is this is okay. This is my
00:25:57.440 feeling about this right now in this moment. Even the attachment to desired outcomes can only happen if there’s a
00:26:04.799 belief energetically mysteriously in a in a sense of a separate self that
00:26:13.840 could have attachment that could want this thing that could want this outcome
00:26:19.440 for it. When that sense is seen through,
00:26:25.440 attachments may spontaneously show up like a grasping tendency or an impulse,
00:26:30.960 but they just fall and fall and fall because where are they going to stick?
00:26:37.039 It’s like I’m making a video now live on Friday night, right?
00:26:43.520 Zuben as a self would see this as okay. So this is something that I have to do
00:26:48.799 for other people so that I can also get something out of it so that I can um get
00:26:56.080 views or add revenue or validation or attention or love or feel a little less
00:27:04.960 broken, a little more worthy, distraction, all those things. So, Zuben
00:27:11.200 as a sense of a separate self would would behave that way and it would color
00:27:17.600 everything that I express. So, when Zuben is given a a a lollipop
00:27:24.000 and he can sit there and be observed in the corner and he’s going to zubin. So, he sometimes he’ll grasp and do things
00:27:30.480 and fall into conditioned patterns and have these things arise, impulses and emotions and reactivity and that can
00:27:36.400 happen. But he’s allowed to sit in the corner and be have a lollipop because he’s told it’s okay. This is all a
00:27:42.400 dream. Don’t worry about it. Just you can feel how you feel and it’s okay. But let let me go ahead and handle it. And
00:27:48.960 the me that’s handling it is what’s always been handling it, which is life. It’s not it’s not personal. It never
00:27:56.320 was. The personal is life showing up as the personal. It’s the radically
00:28:02.640 impermanent impersonal showing up as the story of a person. Uh, and so then
00:28:09.120 what’s the flavor of the video? It’s a little different. So, it’s not something that’s going to please a lot
00:28:15.279 of people. It’s not something that is even going to please Zuben, but it’s exactly what it is. It’s allowed to be
00:28:21.840 exactly what it is. So, all this [ __ ] fancy equipment and [ __ ] and iPad and [ __ ] thing,
00:28:28.240 uh, none of it matters. It’s just doing the thing. It’s all doing the thing
00:28:36.640 for no one. Um, Rhysa says, “Also learned so much here. Uh, couldn’t have learned any other way for which I will
00:28:42.640 forever be grateful.” Risa, you and I were meant to be, girl. Not in that way,
00:28:48.720 but you know, in the way that it the way that it was. It sounds vaguely me tooish when I put it that way. Um,
00:28:57.120 oh, you’re in LA, Diana. Good to see you. Not in Lisbon for once. Mike says,
00:29:02.320 “I wonder if unworthiness is based on not getting what you wanted as a small child and assigning the why to
00:29:07.440 unworthiness.” Who knows, right? It could be any number of things. That’s a reasonable theory. In my in my feeling,
00:29:14.080 it doesn’t matter because it’s all a story. So the why of it may be helpful to help you see that it was just a
00:29:21.039 story. So maybe it’s helpful in that way. In that case, therapy, internal family system therapy, those can be
00:29:26.320 helpful. Um but this therapy that’s like no, let’s really reframe your unworthiness as worthiness or or see
00:29:33.360 that you know it was it was just um it’s just not true. The unworthiness is just not true. No, [ __ ] it is true. From
00:29:40.960 the standpoint of the me it’s absolutely true. How can you ever be enough? How can a separate self moving through space
00:29:48.159 and time conditioned by parents and society to never be enough ever be enough? How can a movement of energy
00:29:54.880 that is designed to seek the next thing evolutionarily? It’s designed to do
00:29:59.919 that. How can it ever be enough when its prime directive is find more, find safety, find success, find love, find
00:30:08.559 peace, find awakening, find liberation? How can it ever be enough? It never will
00:30:13.760 be. So if anyone says, “Don’t worry, you’re not unworthy.” That’s not true. Tell them to [ __ ] themselves. The the
00:30:20.240 primary human operating system is by its own [ __ ] actions entirely unworthy.
00:30:28.480 And by being entirely unworthy, it creates something called worthiness because that’s the duality. That’s the
00:30:33.520 opposite. They come, they do not exist in a vacuum. And so then you’re chasing worthiness.
00:30:39.520 You’re avoiding unworthiness. You feel worthy for a minute and it feels like the best thing and then the crash from
00:30:44.880 that. It’s no no different than any drug or dopamine.
00:30:50.240 Welcome Mina to our supporter group. Um yeah, it’s like that. Hey Tom, uh this
00:30:57.679 is uh this is it. Period. There’s only one thing period. It’s the law of one.
00:31:03.120 Yeah, Tom, I’ll even say there isn’t even one thing, right? Like I know I know why you’re speaking that way, but
00:31:08.320 it’s like even the word one doesn’t make sense. There’s this is it. That’s a good way to say it.
00:31:15.360 This is it. This is it. This
00:31:21.440 You don’t even have to say now. You don’t have to say here because now and here imply space and time exist and
00:31:28.080 they don’t not as real things. They exist as appearance. So in the appearance in the dream
00:31:34.799 appearance delusion you could say yeah here be here now like be conscious here
00:31:41.279 now that’s all [ __ ] [ __ ] cuz there’s no here there’s no now there’s no consciousness this is it is it let
00:31:50.080 all that [ __ ] go stop mentally m okay now I’m just going to tell you what I’m telling myself that I told myself all
00:31:57.279 right you can do whatever the [ __ ] you want stop [ __ ] thinking about consciousness
00:32:03.279 Stop chasing oneness. I’m not talking to you, Tom, by the way. I’m speaking in there. Stop [ __ ]
00:32:09.840 um trying to figure out how this works. Stop coming up with scientific
00:32:15.360 explanations for why this is um stop thinking about any of that
00:32:22.320 stuff. Nothing you can think of, nothing in concept has any reality beyond its
00:32:29.039 appearance. None of it. So what is reality? You can’t even say there is a reality for the mind. It’ll never find
00:32:35.360 it. So what is real? Anything that isn’t false. So what’s false? Everything the mind creates. So what’s left? This. This
00:32:43.519 is it.
00:32:49.120 Strip away everything that’s false and see it for what it is
00:32:54.720 and what’s left. So what is the primary core prime directive falseeness? That
00:33:01.039 you are. You are that you’re a self that is that
00:33:07.039 you are conscious of simply not true. Look and you’ll see.
00:33:13.120 Don’t believe me. Belief is another [ __ ] delusive appearance. It’s not true. No belief is true. Even the belief
00:33:20.799 that what I’m saying is true. It’s not true. That’s not true. what’s true.
00:33:31.519 Silence is the only way to express it. Steve Jensen, thank you for explaining
00:33:37.600 all this. It seems nutso, but at the core, I uh I know it’s true. So, yes,
00:33:43.440 actually, Steve, you you nailed it here. I think the self and the mind will say
00:33:48.720 and feel that this is nuts, that what he’s saying is word salad. And yet the truth, what’s left when all
00:33:56.320 that is seen through knows it to be true. And that’s why it goes, yeah, that’s why
00:34:03.440 it’s watching right now. That’s why you’re watching this most likely. Unless you’re just here as a masochist.
00:34:11.280 Um, [ __ ] this window. I hate Mac OS what they’ve done to that [ __ ] See, so
00:34:17.599 Zuben’s conditioning comes up instantly. It expresses whatever the conditioning wants to express and then it’s gone.
00:34:26.480 That’s it. So people are like, “Oh, you know, when
00:34:33.119 you wake up or you’re liberated, you don’t have those things happen.”
00:34:38.879 Who sold you that [ __ ] bill of service? A [ __ ] delusion did. Maya, the great illusion,
00:34:44.879 told you that that there’s some spiritual perfection where you’ll be free of all that [ __ ] and it’ll never
00:34:50.000 arise. Good luck with that. Talk to anyone who’s [ __ ] had this
00:34:57.599 dream stop and they’ll tell you character continues. In fact, it’s just
00:35:03.280 pure conditioning at this point and you just it’s almost like you’re watching it, but you’re not doing it. There’s no
00:35:09.119 you watching it. There’s just the it iting some crazy [ __ ] [ __ ] Um Diana, so
00:35:16.880 what about love? Yeah. What about love? What about love? Don’t let it slip away.
00:35:24.800 Um yeah, so love, there’s human love, which is total
00:35:31.200 horseshit. It’s a story. It’s an appearance. Great. And then there’s love,
00:35:37.839 which is Everything happening exactly as it is
00:35:45.599 for no one. And that is pure unadulterated unconditional
00:35:52.160 love because it rejects nothing. Everything is included. There’s nowhere
00:35:58.480 you can leave it. It can’t be abandoned. It wasn’t born and it doesn’t die. It’s
00:36:04.640 always been this. That is love. pure and simple and all of this is a dance as that.
00:36:13.520 That’s one way to say it. I don’t know. I don’t know where that came from. Uh
00:36:20.560 Kathy says, “I guess then meditating is turning off thought and just this.” I don’t know what meditating is anymore,
00:36:27.040 Kathy. Because thought is this. Thought is this. You can’t turn off thought. I
00:36:33.920 mean, thoughts can slow down. They can even stop. And then it’s just like what’s left is there. But there can
00:36:39.520 still be the core operating belief that you’re separate. There can still be the um striving for that because that’s not
00:36:46.720 permanent. There’s nobody walking around permanently without thoughts that I know of. Maybe there is. I don’t know them.
00:36:52.720 They certainly don’t call themselves liberated. They may be institutionalized. Um
00:36:59.440 I don’t know what liberation is honestly. I freedom from suffering you could say, but it’s liberation for no one. So there’s no such thing cuz nobody
00:37:06.160 gets liberated. The liberation is seeing that there was never a person there. There was just this.
00:37:14.240 It’s [ __ ] wild. Susan says, “Did the retreats and psychedelics help with this
00:37:19.920 uh non-self insight?” I have no idea. This is where like all of that seems in
00:37:25.520 retrospect like it had to happen and also it made no difference at all.
00:37:31.280 So, you know, like recently I’ve talked to people who psychedelics are a big part of their sort of what what they’ll
00:37:37.119 call their healing journey and so on. And it’s like that’s a great story. That is a a kind of um awakening within the
00:37:43.440 dream story where we’re doing these things and we seemingly improve this character. We’re seemingly seeing
00:37:49.359 through these delusions and and this is happening and that’s happening. And maybe that actually happens. But from
00:37:56.320 here that seems radically wrong
00:38:03.200 because there’s no self to improve. There’s no self to grow. Nothing grows.
00:38:08.640 Nothing moves. Maybe those things, this is my theory and again so it means nothing
00:38:15.599 that those things show up as an epipen phenomenon of a body mind that was energetically
00:38:21.599 inclined to have the belief in self drop eventually. And it looks positive
00:38:28.000 because oh well then that must have done that. You had this insight, that insight, this insight. And it can seem
00:38:33.599 like that except there’s no time, there’s no growth, there’s no space, and
00:38:41.200 there’s no you. So how would that work? How can an imaginary self that doesn’t
00:38:49.359 has never existed meditate its way into no self, whatever
00:38:54.720 that is? Like it’s a [ __ ] paradox. And yet most people who’ve had it happen had
00:39:02.000 some form of inquiry meditation. And I just think it’s an epiphenomenon that was happening cuz you’re not doing it.
00:39:08.000 This thing is just playing out. So that’s another thing. The seeking mind, the seeker that wants
00:39:15.280 to have a plan, a doing an attainment, it’s always going to do that. So it’s going to go meditation, inquiry, yoga,
00:39:23.680 retreat, psychedelics. It’s going to do that constantly.
00:39:31.359 This is the end of that energy. So what you were seeking can only be
00:39:39.599 seen by no one when the seeking stops. So another theory on this is that you do
00:39:47.040 those things to exhaust the seeker. And believe me, my seeker was exhausted. The reason I did all those psychedelics last
00:39:53.040 year was because it arose
00:39:58.160 in the body. Like it was like, “Yeah, I’m supposed to do psychedelics now.” That’s how it was. It wasn’t like, “Oh,
00:40:03.920 I think these things are going to do this or I want to do that with it.” And when I did them, all they did was show
00:40:09.119 me conditioning, story, the body, what’s what’s encoded there energetically.
00:40:18.400 And the biggest insight was one I’d already had, which is there’s no you and there never was. And this is all nothing showing up as everything. There’s no
00:40:24.640 death and there’s no birth. And that’s all a story and everything is exactly as it is. Perfectly fine. Nothing to worry
00:40:31.040 about. And it’s like, well, I kind of knew that, but the psychedelic just hammered it home by showing me what was
00:40:38.000 already previously known. And so, I don’t know what it did. Makes a good
00:40:45.119 story, though. Made a great video. A doctor does all the psychedelics in three days. Made a great video. It’s a
00:40:50.960 fun video if you want to watch it. I I can’t watch that [ __ ] back because it doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I I don’t even know who that is. Like I
00:40:57.200 don’t know who that is. Um Quest for the best. That’s a great That’s a great handle. Says, “I love
00:41:03.920 Zdog, but I miss the guy championing for health 3.0, and I don’t think I’m smart enough to understand this new Zdog
00:41:10.079 paradigm. It feels like health 3.0 is intractable, and this is the result.” Ooh.
00:41:17.200 I love this comment. Okay. Okay. Quest, I really appreciate the way you left
00:41:22.240 this comment. Okay. So, old Zubin’s character was based on trying to
00:41:28.480 out seek the unworthiness. And it turns out our
00:41:34.720 health care system is a great epiphenomenal expression of our own brokenness, our
00:41:39.920 own unworthiness. All of us, we do things to people for money and we
00:41:46.880 expect to do it purely compassionately and we expect to give up a lot of ourselves and we expect to make a living
00:41:54.400 doing that while doing the right thing always for the patient. So that is a recipe for
00:42:01.119 moral injury, which means no, that’s not going to happen. There’s going to be a
00:42:06.240 dissonance between what you believe and what’s actually happening. And that’s that’s healthcare 2.0. That’s this
00:42:13.200 health care system. It’s like you go to work thinking I’m doing this and you see everywhere you go that you’re not. It’s the opposite. That you’re actually
00:42:19.440 harming people a lot of the time. that you’re part of you’re complicit in a medical industrial complex that is a
00:42:25.680 sick care machine that generates incredible profits for administrative class and businesses and while taking
00:42:33.920 money out of the pockets of middle class poor and rich people and bankrupting the government.
00:42:41.599 So that doesn’t feel good. So Zubin’s unworthiness at that time was channeled
00:42:47.119 through his own creativity which is okay how can we solve this problem and the way we solve it is health 3.0 you know,
00:42:53.520 we focus on prevention. We pay for it with a flat capitated fee. We um focus
00:43:00.720 on nutrition, exercise, meditation, stress reduction, these social
00:43:05.839 determinants of health, food deserts, those kind of things which we did with those the turntable health experiment
00:43:11.920 and you do all those things and I went around the country evangelizing it and it made me feel a mix of things. One, I
00:43:19.359 felt like this could happen because people were motivated. But there was also the feeling that until everyone
00:43:26.079 wakes up, it’s not going to happen. Meaning, they see through their own [ __ ] delusion, it’s not going to happen cuz money is going to drive
00:43:32.160 everything and the social matrix will push it that way because it’s a collective delusion. Um, and the second
00:43:37.839 thing I felt was um, well, I can’t do this. Like I’m not I
00:43:44.640 can’t fix healthcare because I’m not even good enough to fix my [ __ ] shoelaces. So I have to rely on others
00:43:51.520 and form networks of people that I trust. And and I did. And even then it was like, oh, it’s not that it’s
00:43:58.079 intractable. It’s that the whole paradigm is wrong. Like you’re going to seek the next thing and that’s fine and
00:44:04.240 the next thing might be a little better, but it’ll have its own problems and the next thing will happen. And so for me,
00:44:09.440 for Zuben, I put that out in the world. I did that thing. I was passionate about it as much
00:44:16.000 as a person could be. But there was a good degree of delusion there. A lot of it was
00:44:23.040 based on hope like at some point this will just happen cuz I don’t know how to really make it happen. I did my thing,
00:44:29.200 but I don’t know if that’s scalable and it got bought by Amazon. Amazon’s going to [ __ ] ruin it. And I don’t know.
00:44:36.160 And and by the way, if you if you get any emails from Amazon about One Medical,
00:44:41.599 Amazon One Medical, that’s Iora Turntable purchased by One Medical, purchased by Amazon. So that’s the
00:44:49.200 remnants of what our health 3.0 model was. I don’t know what it is now. And so
00:44:54.240 for me um
00:44:59.359 that part of my identity as the one who would do that died when the sense of
00:45:04.880 self started to unravel. It was like wait why was I even doing that cuz I want to feel okay and I want and by
00:45:12.319 having other people feel okay I’ll feel okay. And the truth is no hell is other people when you believe them to be
00:45:17.839 separate from you. So, it may be that Zuben goes and does those things and that’s part of his programming and it’s
00:45:23.839 beautiful and it helps the world or not. But right now, it’s not. Right now, it’s more
00:45:31.040 a big [ __ ] mystery. And so, I totally understand that the vast majority of my audience that signed
00:45:37.680 up for this thing is going to either think that I’ve lost my mind or they’re
00:45:43.119 going to think, well, he’s given up because it was impossible. And the truth is, I have no idea if it’s impossible. I
00:45:48.160 actually think anything’s [ __ ] possible in the dream. Magic is possible. It’s just Zuben is done with
00:45:54.480 that. And he’s done with medicine, too. He is.
00:46:00.560 And imagine how hard that is to say as someone who spent his whole life training for that [ __ ] Like,
00:46:07.280 so you know something’s up when that goes.
00:46:13.440 So yeah, sorry about that, but also not sorry. I there’s nothing I can do. And it used to be like a comment like that
00:46:20.480 um would trigger me because the me that’s unworthy would want to defend and
00:46:25.920 say, “Ah, yeah, I I never could make the health 3.0 thing really work and I gave
00:46:32.560 up probably because I couldn’t make it work and maybe I should go back and do it to show people that I I can do it and
00:46:38.720 nope, can’t it?” It’s felt sometimes it’s felt like that, but it’s seen through quickly. It’s like, “No, that’s [ __ ]
00:46:46.480 So so much more peace, contentment, serenity. And I get offers to speak all the time, all the time, all the time for
00:46:53.599 a lot of money. And I turn them down. And the first few times I turned them down, it was like being stabbing myself.
00:46:59.359 It was like stabbing myself because the self was like, “No, no, no. It won’t go quietly.” And then it gets easier and
00:47:05.839 then you realize, why didn’t I do that earlier? What the [ __ ] was I doing? Like that wasn’t naturally what even Zubin
00:47:11.599 wanted to do. He was doing it because he felt like he had to.
00:47:17.280 Um,
00:47:23.040 yeah. The part of one medical quest for the best that uh is the turntable model is the flat fee.
00:47:29.839 But see, the problem is they also bill insurance. And I think that breaks the model because then you’re back in a fee
00:47:35.760 for service kind of doing things to people. Now, I don’t know what One Medical is doing now. Um but uh yeah
00:47:43.280 because our model didn’t do that. Um if we build insurance it was for the flat fee to take care of the patient and do
00:47:50.880 everything for them. An unlimited buffet of care including yoga classes,
00:47:57.839 meditation classes, psychological counseling, nutrition,
00:48:03.359 um lab, all that stuff. not hospitalization because we can’t
00:48:09.520 cover that in in primary care. That’s what their insurance is for. The wraparound catastrophic insurance.
00:48:16.880 Yeah. Yeah. Tom, I think you’re right about
00:48:22.400 psychedelics. They allow you whatever the [ __ ] that is to be able to say, “Oh, yeah, this.” I think that’s pretty accurate. You’re pretty good at
00:48:29.200 expressing this [ __ ] Tom. Uh, Angel, I walked out of healthcare, too, and now I want to take medicine back to nature and
00:48:35.520 launch a frequency research model. Hey, whatever you’re called to do, that’s what you’re going to do. The the trick
00:48:42.240 is So, okay, I’ll be honest with you guys. Um,
00:48:49.359 I’ve resisted making videos publicly for some time and when I do it, it’s kind of like I can’t help it. Like, I just start
00:48:55.280 making them. And I talked to someone recently who’s like a very very um
00:49:01.920 there there’s someone who was known and and left YouTube uh and just lives by themselves and the
00:49:09.599 self like construct has been seen through totally. They need nothing. They want nothing. And I had a call with them
00:49:16.880 and spent an hour just kind of feeling through because it’s a very lonely place
00:49:22.079 to be, right? when it’s flip-flopping like this and they’re not flip-flopping. They’ve been through it. And uh I was telling them,
00:49:30.319 yeah, you know, and it’s like I feel like I shouldn’t even be making videos because you can’t really talk
00:49:36.400 about this and I don’t really care whether other people wake up or not. It’s nice when they do, but it’s not
00:49:41.520 something that because there’s nobody that wakes up like it it’s a story. I don’t get validation from it. I don’t
00:49:47.839 know why I’m doing it, but I feel compelled to do it, but I don’t want to because it’s wrong in some way. feels
00:49:53.680 wrong. Like I’m not supposed to do this because it’s a kind of person thing to do. And it just and they were just like,
00:50:00.640 “Shut the [ __ ] up.” Like Zubin wants to [ __ ] express. That’s Zubin’s creativity. Let Zuben do what [ __ ]
00:50:05.680 Zubin does. The words will come out. They’re going to come feed right back to you because they’re coming from nowhere.
00:50:10.800 They’re going to feed back to nowhere. So that’s what’s arising. Just do it. Stop resisting what
00:50:16.559 what’s arising. And that was a huge relief. I kind of knew that, but you can’t really because
00:50:23.440 there’s so much confusion and restlessness at this stage and a lot of emotion and a lot of like crazy [ __ ]
00:50:29.920 comes up and it’s like, “Oh, fuck.” You know? Um Kathy says, “You sound very emotional,
00:50:36.400 Z. I’m watching you on the big screen in surround. That was a moment right there. Thank you for your vulnerability.” Oh, I
00:50:42.160 don’t remember what moment it was because I can’t remember five seconds ago. But yeah, thanks. That’s sweet. Um, big
00:50:50.000 screen, huh? Too much too much resolution. Uh, check this out. So, I have this
00:50:56.079 little uh a little light here. I can Is that better? Watch this. Watch this.
00:51:04.079 Oh [ __ ] I just made it crazy, dude. Let’s leave that Let’s leave that in torch mode for a second. Just [ __ ]
00:51:11.280 Z dog is awakened. Bald head and everything. Um,
00:51:18.640 Candied Cloud says, “What if after awakening I realize it doesn’t [ __ ] matter what I do? Like I don’t care as
00:51:24.240 long as I get some joy out of what I’m doing. Lol.” Okay, that is a beautiful Okay, this is [ __ ] brutal. Hold on.
00:51:31.440 Let’s bring it bring it down as low as it will go. And that’s off. And that’s
00:51:40.640 Where’s on? There is no on because it [ __ ] up. I’m gonna leave it like that. Okay.
00:51:49.680 This is such a common thing that comes up like after awakening I will x y or z.
00:51:56.319 So that’s normal. I did it. Everybody does it. Couple things. There’s no awakening.
00:52:02.400 Next. The seeing through the self means the self the self that was worried about
00:52:07.920 that doesn’t exist anymore as a reality. It can it can appear but it’s like it it’s seen through instantly
00:52:15.200 or maybe not instantly maybe very shortly. Sometimes not at all. It can be sticky this flip-flopping period. I’m
00:52:21.520 just speaking for me. Uh quote me.
00:52:28.160 You have no idea. And it it will not matter. It abs it
00:52:33.839 never did matter. This is a lovely story that the self tells to keep you asleep. I mean,
00:52:40.480 everything I just said was wrong, by the way. It’s another delusive belief that
00:52:45.839 the seeking energy manifests. That’s what it does to keep seeking. What if?
00:52:52.160 What if? But, but I want But I need but I don’t want to lose that or I do want to lose that. It’s like, okay. Okay. You
00:52:58.559 have no idea. Like, it’s just there’s not there’s no decisions made.
00:53:04.160 Everything is just happening. So, are you going to leave your family?
00:53:09.200 Who knows? But the answer is if your conditioning is such that you’re loyal and you love them, that’s probably not
00:53:14.720 going to happen. Are you going to quit your job? Probably, but probably not. You have no idea because the
00:53:20.720 conditioning, the character will continue. There just will be zero [ __ ]
00:53:26.480 given because it’s not happening to anyone. It’s just happening. It doesn’t
00:53:32.480 mean you suddenly become completely a [ __ ] lunatic unless that’s your conditioning. Because you can’t do
00:53:38.400 anything except what’s conditioned cuz you’re not doing it. So at that
00:53:44.880 point, if your conditioning is you’re a psychopathic murderer and you’ve been keeping it at bay with [ __ ] by white
00:53:50.720 knuckling it, it might be that the loss of the sense of self unveils that
00:53:55.760 conditioning and you go murder a bunch of people. But I don’t think that’s happened. Maybe, who knows?
00:54:02.480 Yeah, I don’t know. Kathy says, “You literally lit up my room.” That’s right. Because the surround sound I mean the
00:54:07.920 big the big the big TV. Glad I could do that with my light. Uh Ian with nothing.
00:54:14.240 I like that. In some sense, you will just do what you selfishly desire after awakening, but your sensitivity to
00:54:20.559 others pain will follow the awakening as well. Okay, so this is a this is a very important point. You’ll do exactly what
00:54:27.280 you what arises and what arises is natural compassion
00:54:32.400 for others. This is inexplicable. You could tell stories about it. Well, there’s no separation. The this or that.
00:54:38.319 I don’t know if that’s it. All I know is it becomes extremely hard to knowingly
00:54:44.000 hurt another person. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but for me, and I and I have hurt other
00:54:49.680 people, and sometimes I’ve done it knowingly because I know what I’m saying is is there to
00:54:57.280 make them feel something that isn’t positive because I’ve been hurt, right?
00:55:02.480 So, sometimes that arises and then that’s seen through. It’s like, ow, why am I hurting?
00:55:10.559 Oh, because I did something to hurt. like there was a hurting that occurred and it’s the same. There’s not a
00:55:16.800 separation. So their hurt is my hurt there and there’s no one’s hurt. They’re just hurt.
00:55:22.720 It’s kind of like that. Doesn’t make any sense, but that’s kind of how it is.
00:55:28.480 Um Sylvia says, “You’re not making any
00:55:33.599 sense anymore, and yet I know you are.” There you go. That’s the thing. Mind no sense. This all there is. You could say
00:55:41.520 and this is another thing we always say this is a mystery like this is a mystery what we’re saying is this is a mystery
00:55:48.160 from the mind’s standpoint from the standpoint of thought it’s a mystery we don’t know what this is can’t be known
00:55:54.319 from mind but is this a mystery so stop mind stop no thinking just this.
00:56:10.559 Where is their mystery? It’s just what it is. Perfectly simply this.
00:56:19.040 Where did it come from? That’s mine stuff. What does it mean? That’s mine stuff. What is it? That’s mine stuff. It
00:56:25.280 is what it is. Like Papey said, I am what I am. It is what it is. That’s it. No mystery. Very simple. That’s the
00:56:31.599 other thing. This is profoundly disappointing for the mind.
00:56:37.359 It’s profoundly disappointing. It’s so disappointing it makes me laugh. It’s like if you knew
00:56:44.480 what this was, you would be like, “Why am I
00:56:49.680 wasting my time?” Because the mind would not want it. It’s [ __ ] just this.
00:56:57.440 This was Okay. Okay. So, all right. Okay, I’m just thinking about this is what I that’s why I like honestly this
00:57:02.799 is probably why I like doing these videos because I have these these these things arise non-conceptually for me
00:57:07.920 that help me quote unquote me
00:57:13.599 when I did that 5me DMT journey last year and I made the video about it and
00:57:19.119 it was like oh it’s like the highest dose I was like dying like dissolving the chest was dissolving I was resisting
00:57:25.680 there was nausea I was like ah you know like I can’t do it ah so the highest dose. Like she gave me like a dose she
00:57:32.240 rarely gives anybody like this cuz there was so much resistance. And when it just it just went pop
00:57:42.319 and I was like, “Oh, I just started laughing. I was like, “This is it.
00:57:48.480 This is it.” All of that drama, all that story, all
00:57:54.720 the childhood trauma, and all the pain in the body, and all the unworthiness,
00:58:01.599 and all the sadness, and all that poof, it’s just this. Yeah, that happened as
00:58:08.160 drama, as appearance. It’s all perfectly okay. It’s all just this. So simple. And I was like, is that
00:58:16.079 it? And the guide was like, yep. And so
00:58:23.839 that residual selfing that I said it keeps flip-flopping, right? It was a
00:58:29.920 couple days later it was like after all this was done, it was like did I really get it? Did I really have the experience
00:58:36.559 that you’re supposed to have? Cuz it didn’t really I feel like nothing happened. It’s pretty boring. I maybe
00:58:42.960 something [ __ ] So months go by, we find a different guide. She comes. I do it
00:58:49.119 again. sequence of three doses. This time, first dose just
00:58:54.640 like feeling some shame and some stuff that had happened recently and kind of feeling it energetically come through
00:59:00.480 the body. Let go. Release. Okay, that’s a nice story. Some energy sensations
00:59:07.119 10 minutes. Okay. She was like, “Oh, you’re very sensitive to this.” I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I’m pretty open.
00:59:12.559 Can’t not being at this point. It’s like you’re just blown open.” Second dose was just like, “Oh, everything is really
00:59:19.599 perfect.” I was just laughing the whole experience. So I said, “Well, give me the highest dose then.” She’s like, “Well, you’ve already had the message.”
00:59:25.920 I’m like, “No, no, no, no. That can’t be the message. Give me the highest [ __ ] dose. Zog
00:59:31.839 knows what he needs.” And so what happens? I take the highest dose.
00:59:37.280 Totally dissolve. I see it happening. Eye is gone. There’s just scintillating
00:59:42.720 energy happening for no one. And then pop, open my eyes. It’s just this.
00:59:49.440 It’s just this. I looked at the guide and I was like, “So, it is just this.”
00:59:55.200 Like, it didn’t last long at all. It was just like poof. Yeah. Just this. That’s all. So [ __ ] boring and yet
01:00:03.440 absolutely perfect. What else would it be? Anything else would be a story? Anything else would be an experience?
01:00:09.599 Anything else would be another phenomena. But the truth, the truth with a capital T is boring and perfect. It is
01:00:20.000 absolutely the best, stupidest surprise.
01:00:25.920 And it the the biggest surprise is there’s no one there to savor it. There’s no one there to go, I did it. There’s no one there to go, oh, it’s
01:00:32.240 such a great thing. Because it’s not like that. It’s the end of all that and the seeing
01:00:39.040 of just this. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:48.160 Yeah. Risa. Um Pamela says, “Zuben, have you considered
01:00:55.839 that when anyone calls me Zuben?” I know. I’m about to I’m about to get it. Okay. Something’s going to happen here.
01:01:02.480 Have you considered that you’ve been able to do this awakening journey and walk away from medicine because of your place of privilege? Also, uh you have
01:01:09.280 support from your family. So, why did all that happen? Why is there privilege? And why did all that happen? There’s no
01:01:14.480 why. That was an epipenomenon of Zuben’s life. Why was there privilege? Cuz I
01:01:20.240 [ __ ] wasn’t born into abject poverty, just
01:01:25.760 reasonable poverty. My parents busted their ass. Then I went to medical school, busted my ass, worked 36-hour
01:01:31.280 shifts, worked 10 years at Stanford, taking call Q4, uh, married someone after dating
01:01:38.240 serially and realizing, nope, nope, nope, nope. Yes. Uh, found a good fit by luck.
01:01:47.920 And for all intents and purposes,
01:01:53.359 that should have been it. That should have made the person happy.
01:01:59.680 should have made the person happy. By the way, what you’re doing is
01:02:06.880 it’s coming probably from something in you, but it is the attempt to trigger
01:02:13.520 unworthiness in another because there’s unworthiness in general in the human consciousness. So like that like, oh,
01:02:20.559 you’re privileged so you had the time and the money and the space to do all the things that woke you up. even though I just said that’s not how it works.
01:02:27.599 It’s like an epip phenomenon. And so then the tendency is to go, “Oh yeah, if I hadn’t just been lucky cuz I’m kind of
01:02:34.720 not good enough. There’s no and and you have to be good enough to awaken cuz it’s a thing that you have to be good
01:02:40.720 enough for.” When in fact awakening is seeing through the entire construct of all of that worthiness, unworthiness,
01:02:45.839 privilege, non-privilege, conditions, seeing through conditions. So all that happens and should have made
01:02:51.920 me totally at peace, totally happy. And did it? No, it was the gate.
01:03:00.720 Everyone has a different gate. For some people, it’s poverty, suffering, pain, trauma gates them through
01:03:08.160 this the construct because they can’t bear the construct. For me, I couldn’t bear the construct because it never
01:03:14.000 ended. It never brought happiness. It never brought satisfaction. No matter how safe I was, no matter how successful
01:03:20.960 I was, it never brought happiness. So, it felt like suffering all the time for the unworthy me, right? So, yeah, I
01:03:28.480 thought about that for sure. I haven’t thought about it. I felt into it. Um,
01:03:33.760 and it’s funny. Yeah, it’s just funny like um the mind wants to do these things. It
01:03:40.079 wants to go, well, I can’t wake up because I don’t have the privilege or
01:03:46.400 uh and the truth is no, you can’t wake up because you don’t wake up. It has nothing to do with privilege or not
01:03:52.000 privilege whether you drink caffeine or don’t whether you do psychedelics or not. Maybe there’s some correlation as
01:03:57.039 an epipen phenomenon like people who energetically are unstable enough to see through the
01:04:02.559 the belief stops. They don’t see through it. The belief stops that that’s going to happen. They show up in ways that
01:04:08.240 show like meditation, privilege, god knows what, suffering, whatever it is, right?
01:04:13.920 Um Ian says, “Awakening is like dissolving
01:04:20.079 the distinction between two senses of this is it. The transcendent sense and
01:04:25.119 the disappointing sense of this is it come together.” Yeah, that’s interesting.
01:04:33.039 There is a sense of a transcendence, but the thing is you’re only transcending mind. So you’re transcending an illusion
01:04:40.000 by showing truth. So in a in a real sense it can feel transcendent from that view and then totally boring normal from
01:04:47.280 the view of reality whatever reality is meaning when that belief relaxes it’s just this
01:04:54.559 yeah it’s pretty unremarkable but that’s remarkable like it’s beautiful right I I
01:05:00.240 I’m not doing it justice in how I’m speaking from the mind standpoint it’s boring as
01:05:05.839 [ __ ] from reality standpoint it’s just there’s no words.
01:05:12.960 Very simple.
01:05:23.359 No, I’ve never tried Wimhof, but I have a good friend Eric uh who’s in our supporter tribe who’s really into it.
01:05:28.400 Yeah. Um Hey, Pipananda.
01:05:34.480 Seeking is just a storm front. Lightning, thunder, rain, the sun comes
01:05:39.680 out, rainbow, things grow and the cycle goes on. Beautifully put. Yeah. Seeking is all of this is a weather pattern. All
01:05:46.400 these delusive beliefs, they’re just weather. Little tornado here, a little cold front here. You know, we have a uh
01:05:54.240 partly cloudy with a 30% chance of unworthiness. uh with a uh a shame
01:05:59.520 system coming in from the north. Uh atmospheric river of tears will be uh arriving with some drama uh dropping uh
01:06:07.920 drama hail and then it clears up and it’s like well what’s those are all just
01:06:13.039 appearances. Sky doesn’t change. Sky never moved. Skyy’s always accommodated all of it.
01:06:20.400 It’s a nice analogy. Um let’s see.
01:06:28.880 Man, I’m I’m I’m impressed you guys are hanging out on a Friday night. This is really uh enjoyable. Again, I don’t know
01:06:34.960 why I do these things, but now I kind of do because when I’m in the moment, okay, so here’s here’s a truth. I don’t know
01:06:40.480 how you guys are. While I’m doing this video right now, like if it felt wrong,
01:06:46.000 I would stop the video. It feels great. It’s like, wow, we’re in this strange
01:06:51.039 like this. I don’t know what this is. It’s great. I don’t know what it is. When the video ends,
01:06:57.119 if I think about the video or I try to watch the video or anything like that, I
01:07:02.400 will immediately have a disgust response. Like, why? Who the [ __ ] Why is that being said?
01:07:07.520 It’s so strange. It It’s almost like a negative feedback loop keeps me from making videos because I have to let time
01:07:13.119 go until I feel like, oh, I’ve forgotten that I had a discussed response to the
01:07:18.480 video. And I don’t know why that response is there. It’s so strange. Maybe it’s residual unworthiness.
01:07:24.880 worth looking at. Um,
01:07:30.720 avoid making dinner. Avoiding making dinner doesn’t take much pull. There you go. I I got to make [ __ ] I I have to go
01:07:37.520 home and make dinner. Thanks, Risa. I have a chicken in the fridge here that I got from the supermarket. I need to go
01:07:43.039 home and cook it. It’s going to take like an hour and something. So, and the kids are probably hungry. [ __ ] Oh, man.
01:07:48.799 Okay, I’ll go do that. But, but we’ll finish up here, Ian. um says, “I
01:07:54.400 remember doing an exercise of investigating what is what I called ordinary and I found time and time again that the experience of ordinariness is
01:08:01.280 absolutely extraordinary.” Bingo. Yeah. Uh my first retreat in Monterey, I in
01:08:06.720 between rounds of meditation, we would do walking outside and I would just
01:08:12.319 walk. Everyone was looking at trees and all this stuff and I would walk right to this pile of junk in a parking lot and I
01:08:18.560 would stare at this pile of junk and it was this radiant, indescribable, multi-dimensional, mysterious, just
01:08:26.080 [ __ ] [ __ ] show. And it was a pile of [ __ ] Like just a pile of junk like construction debris.
01:08:35.198 the ordinary. Yeah.
01:08:45.359 Yeah. Kathy says, “Your privilege is what gives you the time to share your journey. It’s the causation versus
01:08:50.560 correlation.” Right. So, the privilege doesn’t cause it. It’s like correlated with someone who would speak about it.
01:08:57.679 Um maybe, who knows? Definitely I feel quite privileged in
01:09:05.520 life. Um despite all the hard work and everything, it’s like, man, I had a lot
01:09:10.640 of lucky breaks, a lot of good people helping me. Uh
01:09:17.120 they didn’t want chicken anyways. That’s right, Gloria. That [ __ ] My daughter was like, “What’s for dinner?” Oh god.
01:09:24.000 Freddy says, “Hazy, how do you perceive music these days? Any differences?” Oh man. So music
01:09:31.040 uh I tend to get very analytical about music as someone who makes music um and studied it in college and stuff
01:09:38.719 now it’s like
01:09:44.880 it’s different every time. But I just got the new little AirPod 3es and I’ve been listening to music on repeat
01:09:51.198 and it’s just it’s all emotion. Like it just shows up as emotion. It shows up in
01:09:57.120 the body. It shows up as feeling tone and it didn’t used to be like that. I
01:10:03.199 mean, I would get emotional responses, but this is like next level. Yeah. It’s like
01:10:08.560 it’s like it just these phenomena and they trigger this emotional phenomena and it’s all just like one kind of phenomena. It’s really really cool. Uh I
01:10:16.320 really like it. I like singing in the car. I like singing karaoke for my supporters like with my supporters
01:10:21.760 because it’s just like fun even though I sound like [ __ ] It’s kind of like that.
01:10:29.040 Uh Ian, thanks for your comments today, man. You’re you’re really uh really nailing it. Um really helpful for the
01:10:35.840 overall expression of this inexpressable [ __ ] As are you all. Like this is such a great group. All right, I’m gonna stop
01:10:42.640 kissing your asses because it’s starting to feel fake. But it’s actually I’m being honest. I
01:10:48.080 really am. Um we’ll have tea someday, Rose. All right,
01:10:54.719 guys. I love you. Thanks for uh I really do love you. Yeah, just for showing up.
01:11:00.640 That’s really sweet. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know that you exist, but there’s just love. So, thank you.
01:11:07.440 All right, guys. Until next time. Peace and love and happiness. [ __ ]
01:11:13.679 happiness. Contentment. Contentment is better than happiness. Peace.