Mumps is a Douchebag
Just Say No To Mumps!

As some of our more loyal fans may recognize, the ZDoggMD core crew is composed of Dr. ZDogg, an internal medicine hospitalist; myself, a pediatrician; Doc Quixote, a general surgeon; and Dr. Diego, a radiologist. You might think that it would be challenging for physicians from four very different specialties to work together on creative ventures that are worthy of ZDoggMD’s discerning audience. Quite to the contrary, we find that our varied perspectives in the medical world allow us to complement one another and–yes–learn from each other’s wisdom!

Vaccine denial is first world stupidity

Take this latest video. It all started a few months back when the gang gathered at the ZDoggMD corporate headquarters (i.e., his garage) for a brainstorming session. Dr. Diego had just arrived in his state-of-the-art urban hovercraft, and Doc Quixote was reporting in via video teleconference from wherever it is that he lives (it changes on a weekly basis depending on his current “mission”). As I sat organizing my collection of Dora the Explorer stickers, Dr. Z was busily stuffing his face with pastries and offering subject ideas for the next project–primarily medical conditions that involve either feces or genitals.

Boromir Dr. Oz Hater
Dr. Oz has been less than enthusiastic about vaccines. Acai berry for measles, anyone?

Although I am usually content to listen passively to ZDogg’s juvenile blather, this time I had an important issue on my mind. “I think that we should do a video educating parents about vaccinations,” I announced, mentally preparing myself for the stony looks of disinterest from my colleagues.

To my surprise, the flames of passion ignited in ZDogg’s eyes. “You are absolutely right, Dr. Harry! It is nigh time that we obliterated the scourge of kwashiorkor!”

“I like the enthusiasm, Z,” I replied, “but kwashiorkor is caused by malnutrition and lack of protein. You don’t actually immunize against kwashiorkor.”

Ninja Vaccinations
Unleash the ImmuNinja!

The passion in Dr. Z’s eyes dissipated, and his face purpled with rage as he nearly choked on an eclair. “Do you know who I am?” He sputtered.  “I am Z-Dogg freakin’ M.D.!!!  If I say there is a vaccine for kwashiorkor, then angels shall rewrite the medical books to make it is so!”

“What’s a vaccine?” asked Doc Quixote, twirling an Indonesian hunting knife around his heavily calloused trigger finger. “I prefer to face disease head on–by tearing it out of my patients’ bodies with extreme prejudice!”

“I just finished reading an abdominal film showing a syringe that someone had managed to stick up his own poopshoot,” Dr. Diego added helpfully, his face freshly tanned from a recent vacation on his private tropical island. “Clinical correlation recommended,” he mumbled, almost as an afterthought.

I spent the next hour educating the crew about the enormous impact that vaccines have had in decreasing disease world-wide over the past century. I also bemoaned the growing confusion and fears that many people have about vaccine safety, much of which is based on inaccurate information and myths. As I preached, I was touched to see tears welling up in my colleagues’ eyes (later they admitted that they were just trying really hard not to yawn). In the end, the crew agreed to proceed with the vaccine video idea, which just narrowly beat out Doc Quixote’s suggestion about the hidden dangers of clown farts.

Alas, the road to completion of this video was paved with blood, snot, and meconium-stained amniotic fluid. It turns out that things get really busy for pediatricians and hospitalists during the winter time. At long last, thanks to the endless hours that ZDogg has shirked his real job duties in order to edit this video, we humbly submit the completed project for your viewing pleasure. Props to Dr. Diego for using his fine radiologist’s eye to painstakingly create the brilliant photo stills for the video!  And many thanks to Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars for recording Billionaire, the perfect template for immunoparody!

 

Vaccine Education Links:

 

I really wanna immunize so frickin’ bad
Protect you from those germs you’ve never had
Don’t want you to catch the mumps–meningitis too
Pertussis, hepatitis or the flu.


But everywhere I turn my eyes,
The internet is spreading lies.
So many parents scared by fairy tales and hate
I need to educate, so that I can vaccinate


Yo, lots of parents scared by the myths, they’re
Peeing in their underwear
“Shots ain’t needed,” suckers scoff
Now their kids get whooping cough
This bozo Wakefield said “shots make you autistic”
But that fool was paid by lawyers just to jack the statistics
And now the public’s understanding’s unrealistic
These lies on the internet make me go ballistic
Like aluminum in vaccinations, folks say, “Oh No”
But you get more in your diet just from eating some Ho Hos
Suckaz think, they catchin’ Flu from the Flu shot
But the shot stops flu, and that’s a cold that you caught, fool
Keep sayin’ that vaccine and not disease makes you illest
Like Gary Coleman said, “Whachu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”


But everywhere I turn my eyes,
Some so-called expert’s spreading lies
A different talk show every night, oh why get played
Cause it would be so great, if we’d all just vaccinate


oh oooh oh oooh we should all just vaccinate
oh oooh oh oooh we should all just vaccinate


Patients ask me what I’d do for my relatives
Knowin’ lots of medicine
I’d show ‘em vaccinations save more lives than almost anything
Don’t let my daughter get up in the car without a car seat
Why should I let her get pertussis, measles, or the mumps, G?
These ain’t the kinda shots that killed Tupac
They put the brakes on polio so little kids could walk
Prevented deafness, retardation–changed the world
You’re damn right I’m gonna give ‘em to my little girl
Don’t give Chuck Norris shots, though, that’d be dim
Chuck need vaccines? Naw…vaccines need him
To beat some sense up in you, do what needs to be done
To keep our children in the playground, not up in no iron lung


Sing it


I really wanna immunize so frickin’ bad
Protect you from those germs you’ve never had
Don’t want you to catch the pox–rotavirus too
Polio, rubella or H flu.
But everywhere I turn my eyes
Some B-list actor’s spreading lies
Listen to reason, hear the truth ‘fore it’s too late
We can keep our children safe, if we’d all just vaccinate


oh oooh oh oooh we should all just vaccinate
oh oooh oh oooh


I really wanna immunize so frickin’ bad

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