It wasn’t fun being heavy as a kid. I got teased all the time: “Hey adipose-head!” or “Look who’s insulin resistant!”

And that was just from my physician parents. Kids at school? Don’t even go there.

But vengeance is a dish best served a la carte, and so here’s a steaming platter of Lady Gaga Pokerface parody power in service of a simple goal: helping our kids get healthier.

We know that childhood obesity is an inordinately complex public health problem to tackle in 3.5 minutes, so we’ve engaged the necessary teaching aids: sumo suited mini-Z, dancing hot dog/french fry parents, and a puppet version of Dr. Harry that is an order of magnitude more charismatic than original. And only marginally less handsome.

Years in the making and tens of dollars over budget (having cost tens of dollars), Baby Phat may well stand as our own personal Ishtar…if we’re lucky.

Lyrics by ZDoggMD and Dr. Harry. Music production by the inestimable Devin Moore. Editing by ZDoggMD. Starring ZDoggMD, Dr. Harry (by proxy), Josh.0 (as Hot Dog Dad), Astrid Schanz-Garbassi (as French Fry Mom), and the ZPupps (as themselves).

To get some great handouts on childhood nutrition courtesy of Kaiser Permanente, click here and here!

Download the track for your next killer workout here!

ZDoggMD


M-M-M-my
P-P-P-pie!
(Parents) We need to feed him, he’s so skinny can’t you see?
(Doc) But ants will swarm his diaper cause there’s sugar in his pee (they love it)
(Parents) We feed him junk food ’cause it always make him smile
(Doc) But high blood pressure medicine might really cramp his style
 
oo oo oo ooh ooh ooh ooh oo
(Parents) When he says please, we feed him Mickey D’s
oo oo oo ooh ooh ooh ooh oo
(Doc) You’ll super-size the stress on his knees


 
(Parents) Won’t eat fruits, won’t eat greens
He just can’t lose this baby phat
(It’s not blubber, he’s got big bones)
Stop his juice? But he screams!
Why can’t he lose this baby phat?
(Just a problem with his hormones)
 
B-B-B-Baby phat B-B-Baby phat
M-M-M-my
B-B-B-Baby phat B-B-Baby phat
 





(Doc) Active play, nutrition, and your genes all play a role


(Kid) All those healthy snacks just never fill my donut hole



(Doc) Michelle Obama says that you should play outside


(Kid) But I’m not going anywhere until they fix my ride





oo oo oo ooh ooh ooh ooh oo




(Doc) Get off your bum, go out have fun



oo oo oo ooh ooh ooh ooh oo



(Kid) I’ll get up soon as Sponge Bob is done



(Kid) I work out, I work out, just watch me play my Mario Kart


(Dad) (highest score in his age bracket)


(Kid) I’ll eat fruit, I’ll eat sprouts, as long as they are dipped in lard


(Dad) (one fruit serving in this packet)


 
ZDoggMD Rap
 

We should show you that we love you


Kiss and hug you


Stead of shovin’ egg mcmuffins


Down your pie hole cut the juice out then break the fresh fruit out


Parents should model good behavior


Cut the screen time get active


No excuses excuses


For junk in our kids cabooses


 
 

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