The other day, a seemingly inexplicable compulsion popped into my head: I had, just HAD, to get on Saturday Night Live to perform one of my parodies, LIVE. Why? So that at the end of said performance, I might stoically produce a glossy picture of Dr. Oz…and defiantly tear it in two. Millions of shocked viewers. Television history!
But something nagged at me. There was something vaguely unoriginal about this idea.
Then it hit me like a bag of Lucky Charms: SINEAD O’CONNOR!!
She pulled this stunt way back in ’92 — only it was a picture of the Pope instead of the Dark Lord of Quackery. How could I have been so foolish? Especially since Sinead was recently back in the news for having announced that she will no longer perform her biggest hit, “Nothing Compares 2 U” — because she’d lost her “emotional connection” to it. Hey, that never stopped any pop artist before!
Then I got to thinking: SOMEONE needed to fill this void left by Sinead’s decision. Who would pick up the torch? Who could reimagine the song and reconnect with the emotion therein? Who could drop Sinead off at the pool?
Me. The Artist Formerly (And Currently) Known As ZDoggMD.
And so I humbly present a parody — actually a poo-rody, celebrating all the yucky excretions we in healthcare have to deal with on a daily basis. Because after all, Nothing Compares 2 Poo.
And after hearing my amazing falsetto, the world will realize that Sinead O’Connor isn’t the only one whose career has been flushed away.
Get ZDoggMD to come speak in YOUR healthcare ‘hood!
It’s been 11 hours and 15 codes
Since I took your shift away
Green phelgm streaked with blood — MRSA
Since I took your shift away
Since I been a doc I can deal with almost every fluid
Stinky pus outta stinkier wounds
I can eat my dinner while probing stage 4 decubs
It ain’t nothing
But then there’s nothing like the smell of a #2
Cause nothing compares
NOTHING compares 2 poo
In urology they love their pee
Urine’s like lemonade to them
Gynecology got secretions that are best unnamed
Sure there’s whiff tests, ok that’s just wrong
I could wrap my gloves around emesis and then squeeze
Coffee grounds then still sip a latte
I asked another doctor and guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said son you better stay away from yeasty pannus cheese it’ll make ya puke
But he’s a fool
’Cause nothing compares
NOTHING compares 2 poo
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