There comes a time…when we heed a certain call—when the world must come together as one.

This is NOT one of those times.

But it is the Holidays, so we should probably take a moment to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. People who go hungry while others feast. People without a single shred of hope remaining. I’m talking about healthcare workers taking call during the Holidays.

It’s not enough to give lip service to their sacrifice. That’s why Dr. Harry challenged me to put my mouth where my mouth is and DO SOMETHING this year (I guess admitting Santa Claus wasn’t enough).

Hence the genesis of this grand telethon benefitting the neediest of souls. The main draw: a collection of pop music’s finest stars, gathered together as Band-Aged to belt out a stirring tribute to the selfless heroes of medicine. Sure, the pop stars all look vaguely like me. And sure, British amalgamation Band-Aid did something vaguely reminiscent in the 80’s. But everyone knows that no one speaks British anymore. It’s time for a remake. It’s time to feed the wards.

WARNING: May contain man-tears


Lyrics: Feed The Wards (Do They Know It’s Christmas?)

It’s Christmas time

For once you don’t have to be on call

So this Christmas time

Get drunk on egg nog, then aspirate it all

‘Cause every other day you slave away

Tryin’ to stamp out some disease

So you turn your pager off to get some peace

It’s Christmas time

But say a prayer

For all the other chumps

At Christmas time, workin’ ICU

Coding Santa when he crumps

Fell off his sled see

Suffered a head bleed

Somebody’s present lodged in his bum

And the trips down all those chimneys

Explain why Santa’s “Jingle Bells” are numb

And there ain’t no figgy pudding

Only this KY Jelly goo

Well, tonight thank God it’s them on call not you!

And there won’t be turkey for St. Nick this Christmas

Just pumpkin-colored Ensure through a tube

And the docs and nurses too

Are forced to choke down hospital food

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

Feed the Wards

Thank those working Christmas time

Feed the Wards

Santa pulled his central line so

Feed the Wards

Ho Ho Hospice it’s dispo time

Feed the Wards

Light the Menorah, yell L’chaim!

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