Doctor’s Today—A Parody of Tonight Tonight

Starring Dr. Diego, Dr. Harry, and ZDoggMD. Song production and video editing by ZDoggMD. Camerawork by Dr. Diego and ZDoggMD.

From time to time, even the normally cheery crew at ZDoggMD Industries will feel the need to vent about our frustrations as physicians. Take last Thursday, for example.

We were all chilling at the ZDoggMD clubhouse for our monthly mahjong game night. The collective angst was palpable, as we halfheartedly lay down our tiles. The gloomy silence was punctuated intermittently by ZDogg’s overly dramatic sighs—clearly a plea for one of us to ask him what was wrong. As usual, our staff radiologist Dr. Diego took the bait.  “You seem upset, Z,” he said, his cherubic face positively exuding empathy.

“Can you blame me?” ZDogg replied, as he gnawed at the remnants of his deep-fried pork loin. “I spent 2 hours today talking with the family members of one of my patients who just survived a massive heart attack.” After a theatrical pause, he slammed a pudgy fist down on the table, shrieking, “NOT ONCE did they compliment me on the genius of my videos, nor did they worship me as befits an internet celebrity of my…”

Another Victim of R. Kelly’s Micturition

“I lost another one today,” I interrupted quietly. Even Dr. Z had the decency to stop his tirade mid-sputter, noting the solitary tear trickling down my cheek. “I saw a 6 month-old infant who had been exclusively breastfed his entire life—until today, when his father gave him a bottle of formula!” No longer able to contain the torrent of tears, I sobbed, “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had just ruined any chance that this kid would get into an Ivy League school!”

Dr. Diego Sundowns

Not to be outdone, Doc Quixote lurched out of his seat, nearly ripping his vintage “Red Dawn” T-shirt. “Oh yeah? I just got through a friggin’ Whipple procedure today! You have no idea how draining it is to be screaming at a resident for 12 hours straight while she is performing such a grueling surgery!” He would have helped, he further explained, were it not for the sore hands caused by an all-night Call of Duty gaming marathon.

Never one to be left out, Dr. Diego joined in, “Guys, you would not believe the hassles I’ve had dealing with the international tax laws about the Scottish castle I just bought!”

If there is a moral to this epic, it is this: doctors should just stop whining. Sure we get worked, but the rewards are…well, there are rewards, OK? So here is our anthem to people on the front lines of healthcare everywhere. Apologies to Hot Chelle Rae for borrowing from their hit song Tonight Tonight. And further apologies to the classic 80’s series V for, uh, well…you’ll see.

It’s been a really really messed up week

7 days admitting, 7 swing shifts

At least a patient gave these brownies to me

Then I remembered she’s demented—with a nasty case of C. diff

La la la

These ain’t brownies

La la la

Despite the nuts

La la la

I’m signin’ out, yo

‘Cause it’s the last patient today, hurray

And I’m fillin’ out his discharge papers as he turns to say

By the way, I really can’t move my right side

I prayed he was just jokin’

But the CT shows he’s strokin’

What the hey, I’ll just stay, pushin’ TPA

Well my clinic day was crazy too

10 kids that were wheezers, 40 that were criers

My exam room reeked of stinky poo

Junior stole my stickers then he set my tie on fire

La la la

Oh well

La la la

It’s just a phase

La la la

You need a time out, son

In my clinic today, today

Billy ate his action figures, there’s a Yoda in his belly

Today, no way

There’s another kid who claims that she was peed on by R. Kelly

Now Johnny’s coughing on me, and it turns out he’s got TB

Gotta say, there’s no way, I’ll get home today

All the nurses now

And the pharmacists

Even the dentists

It just don’t stop, old folks they get up

Old folks they sundown whenever they want

I give haldol to stop em’ from fallin’

Hear the code called, it’s Torsades de Pointes

Babies choking, ten year olds smoking

Kid threw up all over my face

I can’t find this little boy’s heartbeat

Think he’s from an alien race

It’s you and me and we’re healing’ this town and

No pencil pushers gonna push us around and

Urine is yellow, but feces is brown and

What was our point?

We love it

It’s the bomb, yo

Even the paperwork

No, dude. NO.

We’re doctors today, today

And we drown in body fluids from both young and old

And it may sound cliche

But it’s still the greatest job in the whole wide world

Gimme my INH I’ll take it

C. diff brownies? Heck, I’ll bake it

Can’t you see, we’d work for free

If we won the lottery

We’re doctors today, today

We’re doctors today, today

One more story…(no man, you don’t have to)

I saw this surly teenage dude

Looked more like he was forty and he said he had an owie

And he kinda looked just like you

With a huge sore on his pee pee

La la la


La la la

It wasn’t me, dude

La la la

Why does it still burn?

I’m the last patient today, today