The American Academy of Pediatrics has a thoughtful and nuanced stance on children and screen time.

Luckily for us, Doc Vader does NOT.

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– What’s up, homies?

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It’s your boy, Doc Vader.

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Hey, I’m here with a very
important message for parents.

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Those of us who go to the
Olive Garden on the reg,

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notice there are always those little

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younglings sitting there

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(tap tap tap tap)

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watching the YouTube.

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Let’s be honest, nobody
knows the science behind what

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this screen time does
to little younglings.

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Sitting there and watching Casey Neistat

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do whatever it is that he does,

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which is a whole lot of,

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“Oh, look at me, I’m a very ugly person,

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but when I put these glasses
on I get three million views

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being a very ugly person.”

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Nobody knows what that
does to their minds,

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but I’ll tell you, I’m
pretty sure, anecdotally,

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it turns them into little b*tches.

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Casey Neistat, if you’re watching,

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you are destroying a
generation of younglings.

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Alright.

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I killed them in the Temple

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to prevent them from watching you.

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Because what do you do?

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You roll around,

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you’re like, “Oh, look
at my new hover board!

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Aren’t I cool?

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I’m a forty year old man

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who rides a mechanized skateboard.”

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This is the future!

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These are the people
who you’re gonna trust

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to man your Death Star?

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You gonna actually believe
they’re gonna pull that lever

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and blow (bleep) up without
causing a massive breakdown?

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They have YouTube brain.

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Don’t do it, parents!

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Don’t be so lazy.

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Look at me.

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The children were had,

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I gave them away.

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So that smart people would raise them.

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Like those two moisture-farming

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pieces of (bleep) on Tatooine.

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Look how Luke turned out,

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he has no hand,

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and he ends up dying like a
(beep) in the eighth movie.

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I guess I’m kind of not
making my point here,

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maybe YouTube is the best answer.

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Okay, watch it if you got it.

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Neistat, I’m a subscriber.

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By the way,

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I still don’t understand
how cyber-bullying is real.

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Here’s the screen, you just,

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You walk away from it,

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they can’t hurt you through the screen,

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this isn’t Videodrome.

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This isn’t a Cronenberg movie.

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They can’t get you.

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Turn it off, go out, have sex,

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do drugs, drink, crash your dad’s car.

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Be a man, Be a man!

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Haven’t you read any
Malcolm Gladwell books?

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Like “(S**t) Isn’t What You Think It Is”

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by Malcolm Gladwell.

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I’m sure in that book,

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he said something to the effect of,

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“If you have a child staring at a screen

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and it is raising your child,

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the child will become an
(bleep) when he grows up.”

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And if it’s a she,

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she will become an (beep)

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and accuse the first
(beep) of me too-ing her,

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which is an (beep) move.

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Listen, babysitters aren’t that expensive,

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get a real babysitter, okay?

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Lupé, she babysits my children,

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she teaches them Spanish,

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she does a little bit of
cleaning on the house,

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you know, the house plants are watered,

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and my children now can
speak to my gardener.

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This is very important, people.

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These are life skills.

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You know, when some of
these mothers are like,

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“No, watching YouTube makes
little Flynn smarter,”

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and I’m like, “Okay,
there’s so many fallacies in

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what you just said.

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First of all, the fact that
you named your child Flynn

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proves that the child already
comes from fairly developmently

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delayed genetic stock, okay?

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Number next, watching other kids playing

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Fortnite does not make you
a rocket scientist, okay?

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It makes you, like, a Fifthnite.

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You’re not even playing the game yourself,

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you’re watching some other toolbag

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with a little microphone going,

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“Oh, there you go, I
just fragged you, bro.

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Oh, you got PWN’d!”

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How about this?

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Go outside.

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Make a real fort, instead
of playing Fortnite.

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They should call it a “faux,”

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as in F-A-U-X, it’s not real!

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Fauxnite, that’s what it is.

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Hey, I coined that.

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Somebody copyright that, Fauxnite.

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Get out, build a fort,

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crash your dad’s car,
have sex, get an STD!

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But anyways, I’ve been playing Fortnite

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and I’ve been just,

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(imitates explosion)
blowin’ it up.

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But look me up though,

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I actually play Fortnite, my tag’s-

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Luke’s a little (bleep), uh, 73.

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What’s amazing is there were
72 other LukesALittle(beep),

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just tells you something, right?

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Tell you something, you
know what I used to think,

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I used to listen to Lionel Richie,

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and what I heard was,

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♪ Stuck on Luke ♪

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♪ You’re just a whiny
little bitch on Tatooine ♪

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♪ Drinking blue milk makes me wanna puke ♪

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♪ Yes, I’m all Darkside ♪

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♪ Mighty glad ya stayed ♪

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(sings guitar melody to Stuck On You)

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This transmission is ended!

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(beeps)

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Parents, let me tell you one thing.

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You see these little kids,

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mommy’s wiping Purell on them
anytime they touch anything,

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then you’re surprised when
twenty years later they come up,

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“Wah, I want free college!

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Wah, I want a mental health day!

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Wah, I want socialized medicine.”

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It’s your fault!

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Raise your children!

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Teach them responsibility!

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Get rid of the entitlement!

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Do it now!
(pounding)

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And then subscribe to my YouTube channel.

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Kids, if you’re watching now,

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remember, brush your teeth every night.

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Hey, one like = one darkside prayer!

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(beep)

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