Doc Vader On YouTube As The New Babysitter

1
00:00:00,200 –> 00:00:01,300
– What’s up, homies?

2
00:00:01,300 –> 00:00:02,610
It’s your boy, Doc Vader.

3
00:00:02,610 –> 00:00:06,380
Hey, I’m here with a very
important message for parents.

4
00:00:06,380 –> 00:00:09,040
Those of us who go to the
Olive Garden on the reg,

5
00:00:09,040 –> 00:00:10,544
notice there are always those little

6
00:00:10,544 –> 00:00:12,210
younglings sitting there

7
00:00:12,210 –> 00:00:13,394
(tap tap tap tap)

8
00:00:13,394 –> 00:00:16,310
watching the YouTube.

9
00:00:16,310 –> 00:00:19,200
Let’s be honest, nobody
knows the science behind what

10
00:00:19,200 –> 00:00:21,410
this screen time does
to little younglings.

11
00:00:21,410 –> 00:00:23,760
Sitting there and watching Casey Neistat

12
00:00:23,760 –> 00:00:25,620
do whatever it is that he does,

13
00:00:25,620 –> 00:00:26,897
which is a whole lot of,

14
00:00:26,897 –> 00:00:30,190
“Oh, look at me, I’m a very ugly person,

15
00:00:30,190 –> 00:00:33,700
but when I put these glasses
on I get three million views

16
00:00:33,700 –> 00:00:35,926
being a very ugly person.”

17
00:00:35,926 –> 00:00:38,730
Nobody knows what that
does to their minds,

18
00:00:38,730 –> 00:00:41,750
but I’ll tell you, I’m
pretty sure, anecdotally,

19
00:00:41,750 –> 00:00:43,630
it turns them into little b*tches.

20
00:00:43,630 –> 00:00:45,460
Casey Neistat, if you’re watching,

21
00:00:45,460 –> 00:00:48,720
you are destroying a
generation of younglings.

22
00:00:48,720 –> 00:00:49,553
Alright.

23
00:00:49,553 –> 00:00:50,940
I killed them in the Temple

24
00:00:50,940 –> 00:00:53,010
to prevent them from watching you.

25
00:00:53,010 –> 00:00:53,843
Because what do you do?

26
00:00:53,843 –> 00:00:54,720
You roll around,

27
00:00:54,720 –> 00:00:57,120
you’re like, “Oh, look
at my new hover board!

28
00:00:57,120 –> 00:00:57,953
Aren’t I cool?

29
00:00:57,953 –> 00:00:59,500
I’m a forty year old man

30
00:00:59,500 –> 00:01:02,537
who rides a mechanized skateboard.”

31
00:01:03,810 –> 00:01:05,123
This is the future!

32
00:01:06,257 –> 00:01:08,850
These are the people
who you’re gonna trust

33
00:01:08,850 –> 00:01:10,690
to man your Death Star?

34
00:01:10,690 –> 00:01:12,678
You gonna actually believe
they’re gonna pull that lever

35
00:01:12,678 –> 00:01:17,560
and blow (bleep) up without
causing a massive breakdown?

36
00:01:17,560 –> 00:01:19,450
They have YouTube brain.

37
00:01:19,450 –> 00:01:20,543
Don’t do it, parents!

38
00:01:20,543 –> 00:01:22,580
Don’t be so lazy.

39
00:01:22,580 –> 00:01:23,413
Look at me.

40
00:01:23,413 –> 00:01:25,780
The children were had,

41
00:01:25,780 –> 00:01:27,260
I gave them away.

42
00:01:27,260 –> 00:01:29,120
So that smart people would raise them.

43
00:01:29,120 –> 00:01:30,950
Like those two moisture-farming

44
00:01:30,950 –> 00:01:33,130
pieces of (bleep) on Tatooine.

45
00:01:33,130 –> 00:01:34,490
Look how Luke turned out,

46
00:01:34,490 –> 00:01:36,350
he has no hand,

47
00:01:36,350 –> 00:01:40,513
and he ends up dying like a
(beep) in the eighth movie.

48
00:01:41,550 –> 00:01:44,040
I guess I’m kind of not
making my point here,

49
00:01:44,040 –> 00:01:46,360
maybe YouTube is the best answer.

50
00:01:46,360 –> 00:01:48,230
Okay, watch it if you got it.

51
00:01:48,230 –> 00:01:50,800
Neistat, I’m a subscriber.

52
00:01:50,800 –> 00:01:51,633
By the way,

53
00:01:51,633 –> 00:01:54,560
I still don’t understand
how cyber-bullying is real.

54
00:01:54,560 –> 00:01:56,028
Here’s the screen, you just,

55
00:01:56,028 –> 00:01:57,500
You walk away from it,

56
00:01:57,500 –> 00:01:59,910
they can’t hurt you through the screen,

57
00:01:59,910 –> 00:02:01,670
this isn’t Videodrome.

58
00:02:01,670 –> 00:02:03,785
This isn’t a Cronenberg movie.

59
00:02:03,785 –> 00:02:05,930
They can’t get you.

60
00:02:05,930 –> 00:02:08,290
Turn it off, go out, have sex,

61
00:02:08,290 –> 00:02:12,110
do drugs, drink, crash your dad’s car.

62
00:02:12,110 –> 00:02:15,300
Be a man, Be a man!

63
00:02:15,300 –> 00:02:17,880
Haven’t you read any
Malcolm Gladwell books?

64
00:02:17,880 –> 00:02:19,870
Like “(S**t) Isn’t What You Think It Is”

65
00:02:19,870 –> 00:02:20,860
by Malcolm Gladwell.

66
00:02:20,860 –> 00:02:22,070
I’m sure in that book,

67
00:02:22,070 –> 00:02:23,681
he said something to the effect of,

68
00:02:23,681 –> 00:02:26,410
“If you have a child staring at a screen

69
00:02:26,410 –> 00:02:28,090
and it is raising your child,

70
00:02:28,090 –> 00:02:32,450
the child will become an
(bleep) when he grows up.”

71
00:02:32,450 –> 00:02:33,690
And if it’s a she,

72
00:02:33,690 –> 00:02:35,340
she will become an (beep)

73
00:02:35,340 –> 00:02:38,310
and accuse the first
(beep) of me too-ing her,

74
00:02:38,310 –> 00:02:40,280
which is an (beep) move.

75
00:02:40,280 –> 00:02:42,519
Listen, babysitters aren’t that expensive,

76
00:02:42,519 –> 00:02:45,051
get a real babysitter, okay?

77
00:02:45,051 –> 00:02:47,640
Lupé, she babysits my children,

78
00:02:47,640 –> 00:02:49,150
she teaches them Spanish,

79
00:02:49,150 –> 00:02:51,490
she does a little bit of
cleaning on the house,

80
00:02:51,490 –> 00:02:53,340
you know, the house plants are watered,

81
00:02:53,340 –> 00:02:56,600
and my children now can
speak to my gardener.

82
00:02:56,600 –> 00:02:58,320
This is very important, people.

83
00:02:58,320 –> 00:02:59,640
These are life skills.

84
00:02:59,640 –> 00:03:01,017
You know, when some of
these mothers are like,

85
00:03:01,017 –> 00:03:06,017
“No, watching YouTube makes
little Flynn smarter,”

86
00:03:06,480 –> 00:03:08,440
and I’m like, “Okay,
there’s so many fallacies in

87
00:03:08,440 –> 00:03:09,273
what you just said.

88
00:03:09,273 –> 00:03:11,760
First of all, the fact that
you named your child Flynn

89
00:03:11,760 –> 00:03:14,880
proves that the child already
comes from fairly developmently

90
00:03:14,880 –> 00:03:17,110
delayed genetic stock, okay?

91
00:03:17,110 –> 00:03:20,890
Number next, watching other kids playing

92
00:03:20,890 –> 00:03:24,360
Fortnite does not make you
a rocket scientist, okay?

93
00:03:24,360 –> 00:03:26,558
It makes you, like, a Fifthnite.

94
00:03:26,558 –> 00:03:29,220
You’re not even playing the game yourself,

95
00:03:29,220 –> 00:03:31,030
you’re watching some other toolbag

96
00:03:31,030 –> 00:03:33,257
with a little microphone going,

97
00:03:33,257 –> 00:03:35,790
“Oh, there you go, I
just fragged you, bro.

98
00:03:35,790 –> 00:03:37,820
Oh, you got PWN’d!”

99
00:03:37,820 –> 00:03:38,653
How about this?

100
00:03:38,653 –> 00:03:40,580
Go outside.

101
00:03:40,580 –> 00:03:43,273
Make a real fort, instead
of playing Fortnite.

102
00:03:44,127 –> 00:03:46,650
They should call it a “faux,”

103
00:03:46,650 –> 00:03:49,770
as in F-A-U-X, it’s not real!

104
00:03:49,770 –> 00:03:51,340
Fauxnite, that’s what it is.

105
00:03:51,340 –> 00:03:52,740
Hey, I coined that.

106
00:03:52,740 –> 00:03:55,130
Somebody copyright that, Fauxnite.

107
00:03:55,130 –> 00:03:56,910
Get out, build a fort,

108
00:03:56,910 –> 00:04:00,896
crash your dad’s car,
have sex, get an STD!

109
00:04:00,896 –> 00:04:03,080
But anyways, I’ve been playing Fortnite

110
00:04:03,080 –> 00:04:03,996
and I’ve been just,

111
00:04:03,996 –> 00:04:06,250
(imitates explosion)
blowin’ it up.

112
00:04:06,250 –> 00:04:07,083
But look me up though,

113
00:04:07,083 –> 00:04:09,200
I actually play Fortnite, my tag’s-

114
00:04:09,200 –> 00:04:11,940
Luke’s a little (bleep), uh, 73.

115
00:04:11,940 –> 00:04:14,557
What’s amazing is there were
72 other LukesALittle(beep),

116
00:04:14,557 –> 00:04:16,870
just tells you something, right?

117
00:04:16,870 –> 00:04:18,840
Tell you something, you
know what I used to think,

118
00:04:18,840 –> 00:04:20,820
I used to listen to Lionel Richie,

119
00:04:20,820 –> 00:04:22,569
and what I heard was,

120
00:04:22,569 –> 00:04:24,811
♪ Stuck on Luke ♪

121
00:04:24,811 –> 00:04:27,578
♪ You’re just a whiny
little bitch on Tatooine ♪

122
00:04:27,578 –> 00:04:30,774
♪ Drinking blue milk makes me wanna puke ♪

123
00:04:30,774 –> 00:04:34,479
♪ Yes, I’m all Darkside ♪

124
00:04:34,479 –> 00:04:36,846
♪ Mighty glad ya stayed ♪

125
00:04:36,846 –> 00:04:40,013
(sings guitar melody to Stuck On You)

126
00:04:42,040 –> 00:04:43,467
This transmission is ended!

127
00:04:43,467 –> 00:04:45,090
(beeps)

128
00:04:45,090 –> 00:04:46,690
Parents, let me tell you one thing.

129
00:04:46,690 –> 00:04:48,580
You see these little kids,

130
00:04:48,580 –> 00:04:51,640
mommy’s wiping Purell on them
anytime they touch anything,

131
00:04:51,640 –> 00:04:54,077
then you’re surprised when
twenty years later they come up,

132
00:04:54,077 –> 00:04:56,690
“Wah, I want free college!

133
00:04:56,690 –> 00:04:58,800
Wah, I want a mental health day!

134
00:04:58,800 –> 00:05:01,550
Wah, I want socialized medicine.”

135
00:05:01,550 –> 00:05:03,030
It’s your fault!

136
00:05:03,030 –> 00:05:04,300
Raise your children!

137
00:05:04,300 –> 00:05:05,840
Teach them responsibility!

138
00:05:05,840 –> 00:05:07,350
Get rid of the entitlement!

139
00:05:07,350 –> 00:05:09,340
Do it now!
(pounding)

140
00:05:09,340 –> 00:05:11,100
And then subscribe to my YouTube channel.

141
00:05:11,100 –> 00:05:12,200
Kids, if you’re watching now,

142
00:05:12,200 –> 00:05:14,370
remember, brush your teeth every night.

143
00:05:14,370 –> 00:05:16,312
Hey, one like = one darkside prayer!

144
00:05:16,312 –> 00:05:17,145
(beep)