It’s hard out there for a pimp. Or so my daughter tells me. She insists that a pimp’s gotta get paid—not 50%, not 90%, but 110% of their money. And so I had to figure out how to get some of that green to keep her off my back—nothing burns and humiliates quite as much as a pimp-slap from a 4-year old.

Folks, I’ve turned me a lot of video tricks. I’ve hustled on the street and in front of the green screen. But I sure ain’t gettin’ paid…believe dat! Google ads ain’t putting mac n’ cheese on ZPupp’s plate. So I decided to go where the big boy bucks were: Big Pharma! Antivax loonies think I’m already in bed with Pharma, so why not start knockin’ da boots? I figured I’d just slap together an ad jingle for ’em and then sit back as they shower me with platinum doubloons. And writing a pro-Pharma love-fest would be a piece of cake—I mean, those people can do no wrong, right?

Unfortunately, the best laid plans often come with side effects worthy of a black box warning. Did things work out in the end? Let’s just say I’ve finally learned to suppress my tears—the moisture just makes the pimp-slap burn more.

Lyrics for Big Pharma (a Notorious B.I.G. Big Poppa Parody)

To all the patients in the place, I’m style—no grace

Allow me to place these pills and lotions up in your face

Cause I push drugs so my crew be gettin’ paid

Sell you Viagra, though you still ain’t getting laid

Get played with ads: “ask your doc about inflixamab”

Direct-to-consumer’s how we target Boomers now

Got a tumor? Wow. And it just won’t quit?

Well, some of my chemo baby gots to treat with

Complete with side effects you beat with more drugs

The sicker you get, the more we be livin’ large

We charge a lot but claim it’s all for R&D

While we be in the hot tub bumpin’ R&B

You see, we price gougin’ for the greater good

Stampin’ out gout and giving your grandpa wood

Understood: “It’s conspiracy” say anti-vax wackos

But haters gonna hate, yo, save it for Big Tobacco.

I love it when you call me Big Pharma

(Throw your pills in the air, if you got Medicare)

I love it when you call me Big Pharma

(To all the drug reps gettin’ money playing doctors like dummies)

I love it when you call me Big Pharma

I got a patent up in place, generics outta my face

So check out my pipeline tonight, ’cause it’s straight gonna pay me, pay me…

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