Drinking Alkaline Water Is Dumb

Hey guys, ZDoggMD. I got a Mr. Clean thing going on, ’cause ladies love Mr. Clean. Anyways, alkaline water, it’s bullshit. Am I done here? Do I really need to explain to you why alkaline water is a complete waste of your money? God gives you free water. Some random hippie sells it back to you for, like, six bucks a bottle, and that’s supposed to be okay?

Look, you wanna deep dive? Go look, we did a thing on alkaline water, did an hour on it. Who cares? Here’s the bottom line. Your body evolved to process acid and base in a very narrow window. You can drink any kind of alkaline water you want. Your stomach acid’s gonna immediately neutralize it and make it acidic. It’s gonna have no effect.

And there’s a little something we have called kidneys that regulate your acid/base, and they laugh in the face of your expensive, Whole Foods alkaline water in a plastic bottle that’s raising your carbon footprint to the size of a Bigfoot that excretes carbon. A climate-changing Bigfoot is what you are. You don’t need some Mr. Clean doctor to tell you that it’s nonsense. Trust your feelings. Actually, don’t, because humans’ feelings are so jackin’ stupid. We think water is some sacred thing, it’s this elixir of life. So magical water that is alkaline must be better, right?

All they do is add baking soda to it, bro, come on! You can make your own. Could it help your stomach acidity? That’s probably the only thing that any study has shown. It might correlate with a little less stomach acidity. Other than that, all the other data, which is limited, shows absolutely no benefit. Why even do this study when that’s called the Journal of Duh! All right? Simple as that. Allow me to quote Childish Gambino in parting, who once said, I have a penthouse on both coasts. Ph balanced. Science.