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Dan (An Antivaxxer Parody Of Eminem’s Stan)

  • calendar_today March 17th, 2020

Music video coming soon!

Lyrics:

My soy’s gone cold I’m wondering why I

Need a doc at all

My google search pops up these windows

And I believe it all

And even if I don’t it’ll be OK

Cuz I vape essential oils

They remind me, you’re a pharma shill

A pharma shill

 

Dear Z, I Facebook-messaged but you must’ve missed it

I sent some links to prove vaccines’ll turn your dog autistic

It’s peer reviewed, Natural News is hella journalistic

Their editor is gluten-free, a vegan psychic mystic

Sometimes I wonder if you might know more than Gwyneth Paltrow

But anyways, fuck it, you’re a shill and she’s on Netflix bro

My girlfriend’s pregnant too, don’t think I’ll vax her tho

Those toxins block the natural weed I make her smoke

Here’s some links

I read about this heroin addict that was vaccinated

They said it’s the aluminum in ‘em that exacerbates it

I know you probably hear this everyday but you’re the biggest sham

I read your Turntable Health clinic was just some pharma scam

I’ve got a room full of these articles, did my research man

I like to send em to you, cuz Dogg you know your shit is wack

Anyways, I hope you get this Z, hit me back

Facebook chat, you pharma whore, love your jamz

This is Dan

 

My chi won’t flow I’m wondering why I

Need a doc at all

My google search pops up these windows

And I believe it all

And even if I don’t it’ll be OK

Cuz I take these fake hormones

They remind me, you’re a pharma shill

A pharma shill

 

Dear Dogg, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope I wasn’t blocked

I ain’t mad, I just think it’s fucked up you think I’m a Russian bot

If you didn’t wanna talk to me outside Taco Bell

You didn’t have to, but you coulda signed a vaccine exemption for Matthew

That’s my service weasel man, he’s my closest bro

We waited outside the drive thru for you

With a cheese burrito and you just said “No.”

That’s pretty shitty man, we packed it full of measles

Natural exposure, cuz little Matthew’s scared of needles

Aw he’s foamin’ at the mouth now, I probably just need to feed him

Remember when we met on Twitter, you said if I tweet you you would tweet back

See I’m just like you in a way

I don’t connect with doctors neither

I got chronic lyme but still got no believers

I can relate to what you’re saying in your songs

So when I have a shitty day, I google cures and grab a bong

Cuz I don’t really got shit else but that shit helps when I’m fatigued

Even got a script from a homeopath for kombucha weed

Sometimes I feel better when I meet more folks like me

I joined a Facebook group called Health Nut News they hate MD’s

But every time I watch your vids, it’s real the way you tell it

Health 3.0’s so legit next to the bullshit that they sellin’

See they don’t know you like I know you Z, no one does

I just wish the system would get better but it NEVER does,

You gotta reply man

I’ll listen too, Natural News

Is pretty dumb, Dan

P.S. That weasel bit my hand

 

My arm’s gone numb I’m wondering why I

Need a doc at all

My google search pops up these windows

And I believe it all

And even if I don’t it’ll be OK

Cuz I bought these supplements

They remind me, that Big Pharma’s bad

Big Pharma’s bad

 

Dear Mister, “Internet celebrity, I’m a pharma shill for cash”

This will be the last message I ever send your ass

It’s been 6 hours and still no word, you don’t respond quick?

I sent 40 DMs and still get this autoresponse shit

So this is my last Twitter message I hope you get it

I’m in the car right now, on my way to a tetanus party

Hey Z, I put a jade egg up my butt dare me to drive

You know those moms who feed bleach to their kids just cuz it might

Cure their autism cuz they saw it on some site

All the while desperate cuz no doctor would help ‘em right

That’s kinda how this is, you could have rescued me from woo woo

Now it’s too late, I’m on a pound of CBD now, I’m cuckoo

And all I wanted was a stupid message or a call

Just to let me know that my pain is real, I’m not some kinda fraud

I needed you ZDogg, celebrities ain’t docs, think about it

You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you seethe about it

And when you live stream antivaccine freaks scream about it

Hope your kids get vaccine injured and you dream about me

See Z, shut up Matthew! I’m talkin’ to siri!

Hey Z, that my service weasel screamin’ in the trunk

He got autistic from vaccines, so I gave him a mercury enema

But he’s been acting nuts and hasn’t pood so I’ma blame you

Well, gotta go, Mercola’s posting now

Oh shit, my phone froze, how am I supposed to tweet this shit out?

 

My soy’s gone cold I’m wondering why I

Need a doc at all

My google search pops up these windows

And I believe it all

And even if I don’t it’ll be OK

Cuz I vape essential oils

They remind me, you’re a pharma shill

A pharma shill

 

Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been slammed

Nothing I type will change your mind about vaccines man

Look, I wish I had the time that you deserve

This system sucks, ain’t paid to talk,

We’re paid to do procedures

I’m sorry your girl won’t get her shots, don’t get confused

Trust her OB doc, not all that weed and Natural News

And what’s this bit you said about burritos full of measles?

That’s a serious disease, and I’m uneasy about that weasel

You got real issues Dan, chronic lyme notwithstanding

I think you’ve had some trauma and wanna doc that’s understanding

It makes me sad when those celebrities spread advice that kills

But docs who do it out of love get branded pharma shills

I’m really hurt about the stuff you heard about my clinic

We worked hard to do care right but of course insurance killed it

I think we could’ve helped calm the fears that you’re attached to

Before you hurt yourself, your girl, or your weasel Matthew

I know you’re mad, Dan, I’m sad you don’t feel heard

But I get mad when kids get hurt, cuz these damn vaccines work

I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit

I saw this one bit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick

Some dude was on his phone and drove his car over a bridge

And had a rabid weasel in the trunk, with bunch of mercury in it

And on his phone they found a text, but they didn’t say who it was to

Come to think about, his name was, it was you

Dan…

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