Schnarf
Snarf, Snarf…

\n\nLook folks, given our inability to weasel out of our full time work and family commitments, we just can’t find time to put out videos as often as we’d like.\n\n(Correction: we could actually put out plenty of videos…wanna see one where Dr. Harry and I play Connect Four while dressed as characters from the Thundercats? I think I’ve made my point–although Dr. Harry does make a compelling Snarf.)\n\nStill, it would be shameful to let all this great blog-estate lay fallow. So I humbly present ZDogg Bytes–random thoughts, stuff that’s come up over the past week, and tweets from a twit. It’s sure to have you screaming “one more game, Snarf!”\n\nWe started off last week with the release of Manhood in the Mirror, our Michael Jackson parody promoting testicular self exams. After some rather aggressive personal stuntwork–my regular stunt double Danny Devito took ill so I had to do everything myself–I am happy to report that my “junk” is slowly but surely on the mend, and I have likely saved hundreds of dollars in vasectomy costs by irreparably scarring my epididymis. Mad love to people who have shared the video, including Aussie dynamos Life in the Fast Lane and the Big Poppa himself, KevinMD. All this exposure means some kid somewhere may actually watch it and check his package for cancer. ZDoggMD: 1, Testicular Malignancy: 0.\n\nThe hospital has been bumpin’ with after-Thanksgiving gravy-induced congestive heart failure flares and stuffing-lodged-in-rectum “mishaps,” and I’m now convinced that “Black Friday” refers to the excessive amount of post-feast melena seen in the ED.  Other random egg-nog induced thoughts rehashed from the week:\n

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  • I had a patient who was giving themselves yogurt enemas and then complaining of diarrhea. I explained that this “Dannon Dump” effect occurs when native gut flora are angered by the flood of illegal bacterial immigrants sneaking across the rectum to “steal their jobs.” I received a blank look in return for my lecture, along with a request for “someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about.”
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  • On doing my monthly review of the California Medical Board Disciplinary Action newsletter (the closet thing in medicine we have to a tabloid), I skimmed over the usual vicodin-self-prescribing miscreants. But then one entry caught my attention: “Dr. Conrad Murray: Killed the King of Pop with inappropriate use of propofol. Must do 5 hours Continuing Medical Education and watch Captain EO 1000 times*.” Glad to see the Board follows Hammurabi’s code of punishment: a sequined glove for a sequined glove.
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  • Snow is falling in the California mountains, and my medical interns have built a snowman fitted with a magic dialysis catheter. This doesn’t so much bring him to life as prolong his rather painful, crystalline existence. They call him Uremic Frosty.
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\nUntil next time homies, keep keepin’ it real. ZDogg out.\n\n

*3D Glasses Not Included