Sucker MDs!

We’re off to dis the Wizard!

Every now and then, like most other A-list celebrities, I get recognized in public by strangers. The latest occurrence was in the echo lab in our hospital. A tech, whom I had never seen or met before, asked me what my next video was going to be about. Delighted, I introduced myself formally, puffed out my chest, slicked back my three remaining hairs, and proudly proclaimed that I would be ripping “America’s Doctor” a new one. “That’s right,” I effused. “I’m doing a Doctor Oz dis rap. He’s about to get SERVED! Boo-ya! What WHAT? Whoop, there it is! Oh no he didn’t!”

It immediately became so quiet in the room, I swore I could hear the ultrasonic echo waves daintily reflecting off the nearby patient’s calcific mitral annulus.

The female technician’s shriek pierced the silence. “What?! Why would you insult a national treasure like Dr. Oz? He’s taller, smarter, better looking, and infinitely more successful than you! Plus he doesn’t come in here EACH DAY, bragging about the ‘off-the-chain’ videos he’s been desperately foisting out on YouTube, only to come back the next day and introduce himself again like he’s never met me. You are a sad little man!”

I casually grabbed a couple of day-old bagels and ambled towards the door, tripping over the echo machine power cord along the way.

Why dis Dr. Oz, indeed?

Let’s enumerate:

  • He’s taller, smarter, better looking, and infinitely more successful than me. He must therefore be stopped.
  • He may have started out with good intentions, but his current incarnation foists hype, pseudoscience, and unproven “alternative” treatments upon millions of unsuspecting Americans who believe that his is the final word. After all, he has been duly annointed by She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
  • Every practicing doctor dreads hearing these words from their patients: “But Dr. Oz says…” See here my informal Facebook poll of Dr. Oz tomfoolery. Better yet, my favorite medical journal, The National Enquirer, agrees!
  • Dissing Doctor Oz will inevitably lead to an East Coast-West Coast rap beef of epic proportions, resulting in untold publicity for both parties. Win-Win! Although I am likely to die in a drive-by syringe attack.

So it’s time to bust a cap in the Oprah-Industrial-Complex. The backing music track comes from the BRILLIANT Professor Elemental song Fighting Trousers, with music by Tom Caruana. I kinda “borrowed” this track without permission but I’m hoping that the imitation will be taken as the intended flattery. I would not want the good Professor to don his Lawsuit Trousers. And now…Sucker MDs!

And now, click to download the track for your next Oz-bashing workout!

Yo, I can’t watch these punk TV docs!


Straight sucker MDs. We callin’ you out, and we startin’ with…Dr. Oz!


Check out THIS referral from a PCP—ZDoggMD—you ain’t heard o’ me?\r\nI guess you’re too big—chosen by Oprah—to showcase every quack this side of Deepak Chopra!\r\nWhile you’re doin’ shows on okra—how it’s the cure for cancer\r\nI’m spittin’ medical rhymes with evidence-based answers!\r\nYou should try it sometime, you know, science that is\r\n‘Stead of pandering for ratings—medicine ain’t show biz!\r\nBut if it is, then me and my crew are gonna steal all your fans\r\nCause man, you push more woo than the Wu Tang Clan\r\nThe “alternative medicine” that you’re sellin’ up on your show\r\nWorks great—I mean it’s almost as effective as placebo!


I really can’t stand your show\r\nScrub top, farmer’s tan, hell no!\r\nEverytime I flip on the TV\r\nAll I see is these Sucker MDs!


Now take me—the Z to the Dogg MD\r\nI see patients everyday—that’s called legitimacy!\r\nYou may have legions of housewife fans via Oprah\r\nBut I got male pattern baldness, and some rhymes that’ll smoke ya!\r\nThe ZDogg crew be preachin’ science and reason\r\nFightin’ medical treason, while you leave asthmatics wheezin’\r\nLouder than Dr. Phil—oh you gotta be kiddin’, no WAY!\r\nThat douche is less of a doctor than Doctor Dre!\r\nHe look’s like Darth Vader—after Luke peeled his mask off\r\nKeep spoutin’ that BS and I’ll shave your freakin’ stache off!\r\nYou and Dr. Oz, like the Wizard of the same name\r\nAre facades, so lame, we’ll smack you out tha’ game!


I really can’t stand your shows\r\nDr. Oz, Dr. Phil, hell no!\r\nHypin’ pseudoscience, can’t you see\r\nSuch are the minions of Oprah Winfrey!


ZDoggMD rhymes true\r\nFan us on Facebook, subscribe on YouTube\r\nJoin our movement and soon you’ll see, that we\r\nGonna pull the plug on Sucker MDs!

  • What could be better than a fusion of ZDogg and Elemental? Nuffink.\nEveryone needs a pair of steam-powered fighting trousers…\nHowever, I’m not sure a ZDogg cover of Cup of Brown Joy would be very palatable…?\nC

    • “Cup of Brown Joy” in the medical world always carries connotations of a less than savory kind, ’tis true. If I stole that beat, I’m sure the good Professor would don his Time Travel Trousers™ and nip that bit of thievery in the bud.

  • PJD

    ZDogg-Love the new vid. Hope the title can be changed to “Sucka MDs!” Keep it real, homie.

    • Thanks P to tha’ J, I was debating long and hard about the title. I’ll call it Sucka MDs on YouTube and Sucker MDs here, just to keep it really real.

  • Kyra

    On behalf of any one who has ever studied psychology & psychiatry and actually wishes to help people, we appreciate your call out of Dr. Phil (Phil of shit that is).\n\nAnd I’ll help you keep an eye on Gupta, but only cuz he’s a cutie.

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  • Oh splendid! The good Professor Elemental has seen our video and given his blessing for non-commercial exploits! I am relieved he did not have to put on his litigation trousers…

  • Christine

    Vaginas good. Vagina. Hysterical. Love, love, love it.

    • Oprah does indeed speak a universally acknowledged truth.

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  • plexy

    Awesome ZDOGG…keep it up. I hate Mr. Oz and Mr. Phil……dont even address them as doctors. One hospitalist to another….keep rockin on!

  • Trippo

    ZDogg, this is WAY funnier than placebo! Now I’m going to have to get my wife to give me another one of those Spirin tablets for ‘apoplexy’ caused by the laughter. We caint stand those fake doctors on TV, and my 82 year-old mother is one of their victims. This is a very well done video! Thanks.\n\n(My wife is an ER doc. She’ll get a big kick out of this.)

    • Pattie RN

      Now you just outed your own self as a fan of “The Birdcage”…….thanks for the “Spirin” reference!\n\nZDogg….you have to go back to “The Doctors”….the ER guy is Ok, but the fake tan on the plastics guy and the Queen-Bitch of Anorexia OB should be shot for being a smug and high-maintenance PRINCESS!

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  • I have a veterinary client who was watching Oprah when the word “vajayjay” substitute for vagina came up. She was so irritated that she calls it an “oprah” now. (And we have discussed her dog’s tucked up vulva plenty). Love it! Been telling that story far and wide in an effort to get out the euphemism. “Your dog has a tucked up oprah”, or “an infection in her oprah.”\nMy life will have had meaning if one hundred years from now everyone calls a vulva or vagina an “oprah” Spread the word!

    • bill

      hehe, reminds me of Dan Savages new use for the name of one Republican rep. Santorum.

      • Strangely, I had the some thought!

    • No. An “oprah” should not be a vagina. I do not want to think of Oprah when I am thinking of vagina. \n\nAn “oprah” would be better as a term for an STD.\n\nAnd with Dr. Gupta preaching that brain death is something that is just temporary, he is not any better than these other clowns. No offense to any fine upstanding clowns intentionally making people laugh.

  • Doc Quixote

    I’m a man of no strong religious convictions…but I certainly see the hand of God in the fact that “Oprah” rhymes with “Chopra.” I mean seriously, what are the chances? It’s God’s gift to medical rappers everywhere!

  • Denis

    Nice! What about one about the MD leading the animal right extremism in the US and justifying the killing of humans (Jerry ‘the killer’ Vlasak). Yeah, take that Hippocrates!

  • Another hilarious rap! My favorite parts were when you said, “Gupta, you are still cool, but I am watching you,” and your offer to Oprah to bury the hatchet if she gave you a show. I almost peed in my chair.

    • Incontinence in comedy = good, yes?

  • Absolutely hilarious and professionally done, thanks for the laughs!

  • Tina

    The same German TV station that brought us Oprah a couple of months ago is now showing the Dr Oz Show. Thankfully they show it in the morning, when I’m normally too busy to watch TV, but today for research’s sake I watched it and within the first few minutes I learned where Dr Oz’s erogenous zones are … Something I always wanted to know … I was too disturbed to follow the rest of the show, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss much, after all what can top Dr Oz’s erogenous zones?

    • Germany now: economic powerhouse of Europe. German post Dr. Oz: Greece.

      • Will he be pushing a low-Greece Euro diet?\n\nPS – Is a rimshot necessary, or is it implied in any reference to Dr. Oz?\n\n.

        • A rimshot is implied, but given that Doctor Oz fans are very concrete, here it is anyways: ta-dum, ching!

  • It’s nice to see i’m not alone in my disgust with Dr. Oz.

    • You are never alone, my friend. We are thinking of forming a support group.

  • Hyperlalia

    Props for linking to (and I assume reading) Respectful Insolence. I like my beer cold, my women bilaterally symmetric, and my medicine science based. \n\nAfter reading the back and forth between the Dr. Oz show and the FDA regarding Arsenic levels in Apple Juice I can no longer grant him the benefit of the doubt as being deluded but well meaning. It is clear he has lost his right to the public assumption that he is intellectually honest with the content of his show. He should be ashamed.

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  • Sue

    Go Z!!!!!

  • A’Litha DeVonna



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