So, a couple of weeks ago, Dr. ZDogg comes scampering into my house, the armpits of his shirt soaked through in his excitement. “We should do a video about testicular self-exams using Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror!’” Perhaps a little unkindly, I immediately retorted, “This is just another lame excuse for you to talk about genitals and grab your business on the internet!”
I began to feel an inkling of regret over my words when I noticed the faint but unmistakable signs of man-tears pooling in ZDogg’s eyes. “This is about saving lives!” he shrieked. Then, as his gravy-stained lower lip began to quiver, he sobbed, “Plus, how many more chances am I going to get to fulfill my dream of impersonating MJ in front of a captive virtual audience?”
How many more chances, indeed? Opportunities are few and far between for a stocky tone-deaf Indian-American physician who is rapidly approaching middle age to don the sequined glove. Swallowing my doubt, I sighed in resignation, “Okay, let’s start working on the lyrics.” Before the words had left my mouth, Dr. Z was already busily shoe-horning himself into some shiny gold pants (from the HIStory tour, I believe), the daintily stitched seams bulging near breaking point…
[WORDPRESS ACCESS FOR DR. HARRY REVOKED — ZDOGGMD CURRENTLY LOGGED IN]
Pump your brakes, Dr. Harry, this is ZDoggMD back in the house. As the misrepresentations rapidly precipitate from the super-saturated solution of prevarication above, it is increasingly apparent that granting Dr. Harry an administrator password to this site was a colossal — albeit exceedingly rare — error in judgement on my part. I did not believe his Commodore 64 with cassette tape storage would enable him to do any real damage. Allow me to set his warped record flat on the turntable of truth and lower the needle. Here’s how it actually went down:
I awoke one morning from a vivid fever dream in which the heavenly spirit of Michael Jackson appeared to me in the form of a sequined glove lovingly grasping a perfectly smooth oblong jade stone. On closer inspection, the stone had a small flaw that slowly, menacingly enlarged, until the entire dreamspace filled with its malignant presence. MJ’s distinctive voice intoned, “They’re ignorant, Dr. Dogg, they must be taught. Touch these young males in a way that I am no longer able to. Hee hee…OOOH!”
My dream-self shifted uneasily, and before the King of Pop could finish I awoke to find myself drenched in sweat, one hand “down there,” instinctively curled in a primitive protective gesture. It was this very fever sweat, noted so crudely by Dr. Harry in his screed above, that dampened the axillae of my garment. Having rushed to his home to convey the high mission given us, I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm at the prospect of shielding the young from such a cancerous scourge.
“If you love Michael Jackson so much, maybe you should marry him,” was his terse response. “And don’t think about borrowing my shiny gold HIStory tour pants. You’re way too muscular to be able to shoe-horn yourself into those.”
In the end, with some simple bribery — a Hello Kitty Bad Badtz Maru pencil eraser here, a signed poster of Corey Hart there — I was able to wrest some admittedly brilliant lyrical ideas from Dr. Harry. But when the time came to lay the crotch-grabbing to video, he was conveniently unavailable. Luckily, the ever altruistic Dr. Diego — the third of the UCSF med school tres amigos — was on hand again to brilliantly execute the cinematography. I’m just really glad that Dr. Harry no longer has access to…
[WORDPRESS ACCESS FOR ZDOGGMD REVOKED — DR. HARRY CURRENTLY LOGGED IN]
Hey, campers! It’s me again, Dr. Harry! Took me a while to hack back into the site, but my Commodore 64 is always up to the challenge! Anyway, here are some useful links below regarding testicular cancer and helpful instructions for monthly self-examination. We don’t want the irreversible damage suffered by ZDogg’s crotch during filming to be entirely in vain!
- TC-Cancer.com: Great resource for testicular cancer, clearly written by — and for — hipsters.
- TC-Cancer.com Self Exam: Diagrams and video on how to examine your junk — practically pornographic! Not safe for work, but highly realistic!
- American Cancer Society: Much less erotic but more comprehensive; will probably put you to sleep but you might learn something before you snooze.
- Livestrong.org: great overall resource for issues related to cancer. And merchandise!
- Testicular Self-Exam brochure: This is one of several online — collect and trade with your friends!
- ManExam.org: Simple, direct, understandable, and literally black & white.
I’m gonna make a change, that might save my life
It’s gonna feel real smooth with a couple wrinkles if I do it right.
Cause I know that this cancer can
Afflict a younger man
Who doesn’t follow this rule
If there’s coal in your sack
Better watch your back
Don’t be a fool
Your precious jewels
Are probably bout to get hijacked
You’ve got to realize
It could metastasize
if you wait too long
It happened to biking legend Lance Armstrong
Think your stones are safe, but you’re wrong
That’s why I reach in my thong
And I’m checking out my nads in the mirror
I’ll feel my junk for lumps and stuff
Cause no doctor’s gonna be half as thorough
If you wanna stop cancer of the nuts
You better feel up your scrote, no ifs, ands, or butts
Nanana nanana nananananahh