So, a couple of weeks ago, Dr. ZDogg comes scampering into my house, the armpits of his shirt soaked through in his excitement.  “We should do a video about testicular self-exams using Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror!’”  Perhaps a little unkindly, I immediately retorted, “This is just another lame excuse for you to talk about genitals and grab your business on the internet!”

I began to feel an inkling of regret over my words when I noticed the faint but unmistakable signs of man-tears pooling in ZDogg’s eyes.  “This is about saving lives!” he shrieked.  Then, as his gravy-stained lower lip began to quiver, he sobbed, “Plus, how many more chances am I going to get to fulfill my dream of impersonating MJ in front of a captive virtual audience?”

How many more chances, indeed?  Opportunities are few and far between for a stocky tone-deaf Indian-American physician who is rapidly approaching middle age to don the sequined glove.  Swallowing my doubt, I sighed in resignation, “Okay, let’s start working on the lyrics.”  Before the words had left my mouth, Dr. Z was already busily shoe-horning himself into some shiny gold pants (from the HIStory tour, I believe), the daintily stitched seams bulging near breaking point…

[WORDPRESS ACCESS FOR DR. HARRY REVOKED — ZDOGGMD CURRENTLY LOGGED IN]

Pump your brakes, Dr. Harry, this is ZDoggMD back in the house. As the misrepresentations rapidly precipitate from the super-saturated solution of prevarication above, it is increasingly apparent that granting Dr. Harry an administrator password to this site was a colossal — albeit exceedingly rare — error in judgement on my part. I did not believe his Commodore 64 with cassette tape storage would enable him to do any real damage. Allow me to set his warped record flat on the turntable of truth and lower the needle. Here’s how it actually went down:

Crotch Grab!
Proper Self-Exam Technique

I awoke one morning from a vivid fever dream in which the heavenly spirit of Michael Jackson appeared to me in the form of a sequined glove lovingly grasping a perfectly smooth oblong jade stone. On closer inspection, the stone had a small flaw that slowly, menacingly enlarged, until the entire dreamspace filled with its malignant presence. MJ’s distinctive voice intoned, “They’re ignorant, Dr. Dogg, they must be taught. Touch these young males in a way that I am no longer able to. Hee hee…OOOH!”

My dream-self shifted uneasily, and before the King of Pop could finish I awoke to find myself drenched in sweat, one hand “down there,” instinctively curled in a primitive protective gesture. It was this very fever sweat, noted so crudely by Dr. Harry in his screed above, that dampened the axillae of my garment. Having rushed to his home to convey the high mission given us, I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm at the prospect of shielding the young from such a cancerous scourge.

“If you love Michael Jackson so much, maybe you should marry him,” was his terse response. “And don’t think about borrowing my shiny gold HIStory tour pants. You’re way too muscular to be able to shoe-horn yourself into those.”

In the end, with some simple bribery — a Hello Kitty Bad Badtz Maru pencil eraser here, a signed poster of Corey Hart there — I was able to wrest some admittedly brilliant lyrical ideas from Dr. Harry. But when the time came to lay the crotch-grabbing to video, he was conveniently unavailable. Luckily, the ever altruistic Dr. Diego — the third of the UCSF med school tres amigos — was on hand again to brilliantly execute the cinematography. I’m just really glad that Dr. Harry no longer has access to…

[WORDPRESS ACCESS FOR ZDOGGMD REVOKED — DR. HARRY CURRENTLY LOGGED IN]

Hey, campers!  It’s me again, Dr. Harry!  Took me a while to hack back into the site, but my Commodore 64 is always up to the challenge!  Anyway, here are some useful links below regarding testicular cancer and helpful instructions for monthly self-examination. We don’t want the irreversible damage suffered by ZDogg’s crotch during filming to be entirely in vain!

  • TC-Cancer.com: Great resource for testicular cancer, clearly written by — and for — hipsters.
  • TC-Cancer.com Self Exam: Diagrams and video on how to examine your junk — practically pornographic! Not safe for work, but highly realistic!
  • American Cancer Society: Much less erotic but more comprehensive; will probably put you to sleep but you might learn something before you snooze.
  • Livestrong.org: great overall resource for issues related to cancer. And merchandise!
  • Testicular Self-Exam brochure: This is one of several online — collect and trade with your friends!
  • ManExam.org: Simple, direct, understandable, and literally black & white.

ALL THE TRACKS HERE!


I’m gonna make a change, that might save my life


It’s gonna feel real smooth with a couple wrinkles if I do it right.


Cause I know that this cancer can


Afflict a younger man


Who doesn’t follow this rule


If there’s coal in your sack


Better watch your back


Don’t be a fool


Your precious jewels


Are probably bout to get hijacked


You’ve got to realize


It could metastasize


if you wait too long


It happened to biking legend Lance Armstrong


Think your stones are safe, but you’re wrong


That’s why I reach in my thong


And I’m checking out my nads in the mirror


I’ll feel my junk for lumps and stuff


Cause no doctor’s gonna be half as thorough


If you wanna stop cancer of the nuts


You better feel up your scrote, no ifs, ands, or butts


Nanana nanana nananananahh

19 Responses to “Manhood in the Mirror”

  1. fr8d

    You guys rock! I will happily donate my Commodore 64 floppy disk reader to Dr. Harry if he’s interested 😉

    Reply
  2. David Coleman

    Amazing! Our web site (ManExam.org) is quick and simple for men to learn the exam quickly. Would you mind is we linked to your video? Unfortunately, Livestrong has so much information about everything, it’s hard to navigate for younger men. Thanks again so much for helping spread awareness!

    Reply
    • ZDoggMD

      Awesome David, absolutely link to our video…your site is super easy to navigate and understand, I will add it to the links listed in the post. Thanks again!

      Reply
      • David Coleman

        We can’t thank you enough! We also send out monthly reminders on Facebook and Twitter, as men tend to forget to do the exam regularly. Thanks again….

        Reply
  3. BuckMD

    Hey ZDogg. Great video! I manage a blog for The Ohio State University Student Health Services trying to do the same thing you are – provide good health information for college and grad students on our campus and beyond. This video is a perfect fit for all the young men on campus – I’m embedding it in a post I’m going to run on Monday with a link back to your blog. Hope it gets you some new fans. Keep up the good work!

    Reply
    • ZDoggMD

      Cool! Your site looks great, glad to help out in any way…look forward to reading your post and many thanks for spreadin’ the love.

      Reply
  4. Pool Safety Certificate

    Nice video..Opportunities are few and far between for a stocky tone-deaf Indian-American physician who is rapidly approaching middle age to don the sequined glove.

    Reply
  5. Fan

    From a current med student and recent testicular cancer survivor, rock on! Your stuff is gold!

    Reply
    • ZDoggMD

      Awesome! Congrats and thanks for the kind words!

      Reply

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