Doctors Today!

Doctor’s Today—A Parody of Tonight Tonight

Starring Dr. Diego, Dr. Harry, and ZDoggMD. Song production and video editing by ZDoggMD. Camerawork by Dr. Diego and ZDoggMD.

From time to time, even the normally cheery crew at ZDoggMD Industries will feel the need to vent about our frustrations as physicians. Take last Thursday, for example.

We were all chilling at the ZDoggMD clubhouse for our monthly mahjong game night. The collective angst was palpable, as we halfheartedly lay down our tiles. The gloomy silence was punctuated intermittently by ZDogg’s overly dramatic sighs—clearly a plea for one of us to ask him what was wrong. As usual, our staff radiologist Dr. Diego took the bait.  “You seem upset, Z,” he said, his cherubic face positively exuding empathy.

“Can you blame me?” ZDogg replied, as he gnawed at the remnants of his deep-fried pork loin. “I spent 2 hours today talking with the family members of one of my patients who just survived a massive heart attack.” After a theatrical pause, he slammed a pudgy fist down on the table, shrieking, “NOT ONCE did they compliment me on the genius of my videos, nor did they worship me as befits an internet celebrity of my…”

Another Victim of R. Kelly’s Micturition

“I lost another one today,” I interrupted quietly. Even Dr. Z had the decency to stop his tirade mid-sputter, noting the solitary tear trickling down my cheek. “I saw a 6 month-old infant who had been exclusively breastfed his entire life—until today, when his father gave him a bottle of formula!” No longer able to contain the torrent of tears, I sobbed, “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had just ruined any chance that this kid would get into an Ivy League school!”

Dr. Diego Sundowns

Not to be outdone, Doc Quixote lurched out of his seat, nearly ripping his vintage “Red Dawn” T-shirt. “Oh yeah? I just got through a friggin’ Whipple procedure today! You have no idea how draining it is to be screaming at a resident for 12 hours straight while she is performing such a grueling surgery!” He would have helped, he further explained, were it not for the sore hands caused by an all-night Call of Duty gaming marathon.

Never one to be left out, Dr. Diego joined in, “Guys, you would not believe the hassles I’ve had dealing with the international tax laws about the Scottish castle I just bought!”

If there is a moral to this epic, it is this: doctors should just stop whining. Sure we get worked, but the rewards are…well, there are rewards, OK? So here is our anthem to people on the front lines of healthcare everywhere. Apologies to Hot Chelle Rae for borrowing from their hit song Tonight Tonight. And further apologies to the classic 80’s series V for, uh, well…you’ll see.

\r\n

It’s been a really really messed up week

\r\n

7 days admitting, 7 swing shifts

\r\n

At least a patient gave these brownies to me

\r\n

Then I remembered she’s demented—with a nasty case of C. diff

\r\n

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

These ain’t brownies

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

Despite the nuts

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

I’m signin’ out, yo

\r\n

\r\n

‘Cause it’s the last patient today, hurray

\r\n

And I’m fillin’ out his discharge papers as he turns to say

\r\n

By the way, I really can’t move my right side

\r\n

I prayed he was just jokin’

\r\n

But the CT shows he’s strokin’

\r\n

What the hey, I’ll just stay, pushin’ TPA

\r\n

\r\n

Well my clinic day was crazy too

\r\n

10 kids that were wheezers, 40 that were criers

\r\n

My exam room reeked of stinky poo

\r\n

Junior stole my stickers then he set my tie on fire

\r\n

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

Oh well

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

It’s just a phase

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

You need a time out, son

\r\n

\r\n

In my clinic today, today

\r\n

Billy ate his action figures, there’s a Yoda in his belly

\r\n

Today, no way

\r\n

There’s another kid who claims that she was peed on by R. Kelly

\r\n

Now Johnny’s coughing on me, and it turns out he’s got TB

\r\n

Gotta say, there’s no way, I’ll get home today

\r\n

\r\n

All the nurses now

\r\n

And the pharmacists

\r\n

Even the dentists

\r\n

\r\n

It just don’t stop, old folks they get up

\r\n

Old folks they sundown whenever they want

\r\n

I give haldol to stop em’ from fallin’

\r\n

Hear the code called, it’s Torsades de Pointes

\r\n

\r\n

Babies choking, ten year olds smoking

\r\n

Kid threw up all over my face

\r\n

I can’t find this little boy’s heartbeat

\r\n

Think he’s from an alien race

\r\n

\r\n

It’s you and me and we’re healing’ this town and

\r\n

No pencil pushers gonna push us around and

\r\n

Urine is yellow, but feces is brown and

\r\n

What was our point?

\r\n

\r\n

We love it

\r\n

It’s the bomb, yo

\r\n

Even the paperwork

\r\n

No, dude. NO.

\r\n

\r\n

We’re doctors today, today

\r\n

And we drown in body fluids from both young and old

\r\n

And it may sound cliche

\r\n

But it’s still the greatest job in the whole wide world

\r\n

Gimme my INH I’ll take it

\r\n

C. diff brownies? Heck, I’ll bake it

\r\n

Can’t you see, we’d work for free

\r\n

If we won the lottery

\r\n

\r\n

We’re doctors today, today

\r\n

We’re doctors today, today

\r\n

\r\n

One more story…(no man, you don’t have to)

\r\n

\r\n

I saw this surly teenage dude

\r\n

Looked more like he was forty and he said he had an owie

\r\n

And he kinda looked just like you

\r\n

With a huge sore on his pee pee

\r\n

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

Whatever

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

It wasn’t me, dude

\r\n

La la la

\r\n

Why does it still burn?

\r\n

I’m the last patient today, today

\r\n

  • Ren

    Ah, yes… The spoiler. The person who comes in at the last minute and just has to be tested for everything. So the lab boy over here has to draw blood, collect urine, and wait patiently while the patient gets some stool in a cup.\n\nCBC, BMP, Troponin I, CK-MB, Urinalysis, stool for C-Diff and hemoccult… Stat… Right at the end of the shift.\n\nLove it.

  • Doc Beaufort

    Another demonstration that hacks like Oz and Phil are out-of-date and flat out wrong in spewing idiocy to the masses. How long will it take for the likes of Oprah and her minions to realize that a new breed of infotainment has arrived? Wake up Oprah take a look at the cinematography, listen to the audio and send these experts a nice advance for a well deserved service to humanity – And while your at it, don’t forget to pre-order a copy of Field of Corns by D.D. Cross a sic-fi novel about two slacker MDs who travel to the future to change the past – They’re DNA’s been altered via supercomputer driven nucleotides that stops the aging process, ends all disease and gives them telepathic power. Molecular biology meets the mob as they find themselves in 1928 playing poker with a Tarot deck, Thomas Edison, Al Capone, Nikola Tesla and Albert Einstien are all in, and the universe hangs in the balance as they’ve passed through the Field of Corns…This pitch was thrown in for you Dr. Oz – I know you’ve got your eye on these guys and the Doctors?

  • JCliff Senior

    Ain’t nothing like chillin to the cool ass riffs of my brothers on the front line. In fact, I gives you props for your heart felt lyrics about how hard it is….about how hard (sniff), hold on now…I gots to comPOSE myself, JCliff, yous got this one. You ain’t no victim. Ok, like I was saying, or at least, what I want to get to is this. Y’all needs a jam master for some original piping hot colostomy products, yo. And I’m your man! All you gots to do is reach out to me, and we will be makin some synergistic cytochrome p450 f’n shit. But listen, homeslice, if you’re looking away and can’t dig it, there ain’t no hate in that……….You got a manager?

    • Word homie! Believe me, you don’t wanna manage this!

  • I love it! So much!

  • Docmarker

    Oh, yea. That hits the right spot! As the head of an understaffed program that gets 4 days off per month, I can agree that there is nothing worse than that last admit 30 minutes before the end of your shift. And they always have an ‘owee’ somewhere that you’d rather not go!

  • Awesome Dude. Thanks.\nhttp://funnyandspicy.com/

  • Seriously, the Health Film Festival is accepting entries until 10/24. http://www.disposablefilmfest.com/health

    • Yes! I’ll enter everything I got and see what sticks. Answer: nothing! Still, should be fun!

  • Camille

    Dr Z and Dr Harry, it IS the best job anywhere…. wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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  • Another demonstration that hacks like Oz and Phil are out-of-date and flat out wrong in spewing idiocy to the masses. How long will it take for the likes of Oprah and her minions to realize that a new breed of infotainment has arrived? Wake up Oprah take a look at the cinematography, listen to the audio and send these experts a nice advance for a well deserved service to humanity – And while your at it, don’t forget to pre-order a copy of Field of Corns by D.D. Cross a sic-fi novel about two slacker MDs who travel to the future to change the past – They’re DNA’s been altered via supercomputer driven nucleotides that stops the aging process, ends all disease and gives them telepathic power. Molecular biology meets the mob as they find themselves in 1928 playing poker with a Tarot deck, Thomas Edison, Al Capone, Nikola Tesla and Albert Einstien are all in, and the universe hangs in the balance as they’ve passed through the Field of Corns…This pitch was thrown in for you Dr. Oz – I know you’ve got your eye on these guys and the Doctors?\n+1

  • I do love your clip! I borrowed it for my latest blog post – http://www.fennypenny.com/2011/11/dark-dark-side-of-medical-humour.html#.TsJNu_GrBT4 (all attributes acknowledged, of course :)). \n\nSeriously though, I think it’s the humour that carries us through the every-day doctoring. That, and the fact that once you are a doctor you can never NOT be a doctor again. I’ve tried it, …but then come back for more. It’s just not something you can ever really walk away from, haha. I love it and I don’t love it, all-at-once. \n\nPlease make more, we NEED more of these clips!

  • mimi

    Amazing that a friend shared one of your videos to me TODAY and I started watching some of it and I STARTED TO ADMIRE ALL OF YOU! How I wish all doctors are like you. I’m a student nurse right now,and during my shifts I’ve seen only few doctors who manage to smile and make their patients happy,most of the time I see irate ones. You guys are really great FUNNY doctors. why? you don’t just cure people but you also touch other peoples lives by making them happy. MORE POWERS TO ALL OF YOU! Keep it up! 🙂

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