Deep Thoughts, by ZDoggMD

Slightly Funnier Than Placebo

ZDoggMD Reminds You Not to Pull & PrayWow, it’s hard to believe we’re coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first foray into medical career self-destruction: the release of Colon Wars on YouTube! Boy, I’d love to get Superman to fly around the world and make time go in reverse so I could reshoot that production. But I suppose I shouldn’t play the Superman time-reversal card for so trivial a matter. I mean, heck, Sesame Street 5150 needs a reboot, too.

We’ve had a blast this past year, getting featured in Today’s Hospitalist magazine, ACP Hospitalist, and BirdTalk magazine (ok, this is still just a dream of mine). We did Yoda on  Sirius Radio, rapped about hemorrhoids and happiness on TechCrunch TV, dropped hot fire re: hyponatremia on ERCast, had our random tweets illustrated, and somehow managed to steal the election for Best New Medical Weblog of 2010! But the heights of fame may have been reached when a random emergency department intern stopped me in the hospital hallway the other day and said, “Are you ZDoggMD? Wow! Life in the Fast Lane is like my favorite website EVER.”

So what’s next? Here at ZDoggMD Industries we’ve been busily plugging away at our next couple of music video parodies, but these will take some time. After all, we need to hire Ewoks, learn to pilot a ZDoggMD Keeps it Realhovercraft, and so forth. So in the meantime I thought I’d stall by dredging up some old Facebook bits from the first year of our existence in an extremely lame homage to the Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy segments from 1980’s era SNL. Am I old? Don’t ask. I’ll be crying myself to sleep on Max Headroom pillowcases.

Deep Thoughts, By ZDoggMD

 

  • A patient asked me what to expect during her MRI. I told her, “In the belly of the scanner, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.” By the ensuing chaos, I arrived at the conclusion that Return of the Jedi jokes are likely lost on elderly women with severe claustrophobia.

 

  • Got in trouble today for using non-approved medical abbreviations. I guess “has GI bleeding, OMG!” is frowned upon in a medical record. Whatever…next time I’ll spell out “gastrointestinal”.

 

  • To keep everyone on their toes, today I figured I’ll bring lunch to a drug rep’s office and hand out pens and mugs with MY name on them.

 

  • My iPhone autocorrected “orthopod” to “arthropod.” Using the same insight, it corrected “radiologist” to “billionaire.”

 

  • Learned that I’ve been promoted to Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor of Medicine. A definite step up from my prior title, Assistant to the Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor of Medicine.

 

  • Interns these days. They won’t see any patients without first being offered an escalating number of Scooby Snacks. CHF? Like, Zoiks!

 

  • A colleague brilliantly advised me: “You should just get a rapper to guest-star in one of your videos. Then you’d blow up major.” Sure, I told him; I’ll just pop on down to the local Home Depot and pick up one of the dozens of rappers milling about in the parking lot, looking for work.

 

  • Humility is a crucial component of a good bedside manner. I’ve therefore asked my intern to stop referring to non-physicians as “muggles.”

 

  • Fell asleep briefly on a bench at the San Diego Zoo. Awoke with an ache in my side and a note taped to my chest: “Seek medical attention, we have taken your kidney.” They really should warn visitors that the pandas are notorious organ traffickers.

 

  • A dude from high school Facebooked me, asking for a Percocet prescription. Yeah, I’m gonna lose my medical license for a guy who drove an El Camino.

 

  • When government docs try to resuscitate E.T. in the movie, my wife astutely pointed out that they were calling for bretylium, no longer on the ACLS protocol. I countered that all bets were off once they foolishly tried to shock asystole. My 3 year old then opined, “This is a #%*@* alien, why the hell are they even using ACLS??”

 

Is That MDMelena?Thanks for all your support over the past year (despite lame bits like the ones above)! Here’s hoping the next year is funnier, and with less overall jail time. Stay tuned!

  • Mama Tao

    Mr. Dr. Dogg,

    When Elderberry first sent me to you site I was somewhat appaled at your lack of understanding for the Anti-vaxxing parents. Over the last month I have come to the conclusion that you are not really evil and I might even adore you a little 😛 Congrats on one year!! In honor of this I will shave one of my armpits just for you. Keep up the good work, sir!

    And how very very dare you…just ’cause…

    • A hemiarmpit depilatory gesture from the legendary Mama Tao? I’m honored!

      • EDScutMonkey

        Wouldn’t
        “Hemi-axillary” be more mellifluous? (and just ripe for a rap)

  • Doc Quixote

    Yes Z, the one year milestone is something to be proud of. It will rival in my mind the time you solved “Zelda: Ocarina of Time” while we were supposed to be studying for part one of the boards.

    • Yes sir, Quixote. And as you recall, you and I both scored unreasonably well on that exam. Coincidence, or could there be some sort of “Link?”

  • Hey…you never know. ET’s asytsole could have been a very fine V-fib in disguise. That’s what the ER docs say anyway.

    • Good point. It’s also worth noting that there’s nothing worse than forgetting the sync settings on the defibrillator and inadvertently triggering an “R on ET” phenomenon.

  • Dude, just wanted to thank you for the oxycontin you sent me for Mother’s Day. I made a nice profit. Now did you want your half to go to the account in Switzerland or the Caymans? Have your people call my people. And keep making the hilarious videos!!!!

THA' GREATEST

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Have the conversation today…before YOU become 90% robot.

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#VaccinateYourSpawn

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Dear Nurses, you ARE appreciated! A special tribute, from a doctor to nurses everywhere.

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Lose Yourself | #unbreakhealthcare | ZDoggMD

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Time to #unbreakhealthcare.

Treat Yourself | ZDoggMD

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And if you think you ain’t an addict yet, then baby you should probably treat yourself.

7 Years | Zubin Damania | ZDoggMD

7 Years (A Life In Medicine)

We are standing at a crossroads in healthcare. Behind us lies a long-lost, nostalgia-tinged world of unfettered physician autonomy, sacred doctor-patient relationships, and a laser-like focus on Read More

Healthcare speaker | Medical Keynote | Funny Keynote Speaker

Best Healthcare Speaker, EVER?

Book ZDoggMD, the funniest healthcare speaker / rapper ever! (also the ONLY healthcare speaker / rapper ever)

ZDoggMD | Zubin Damania | Healthcare Speaker | Medical Speaker

Dear Nurses

Dear Nurses, you ARE appreciated! A special tribute, from a doctor to nurses everywhere.

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I totally got it wrong…VACCINES SUCK.

Screen Shot 2016-03-17 at 8.55.13 AM

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A “viral” video.

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My Weeknd plans? SAVING LIVES, SON.

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Ain’t nothin’ changed, crit down, whites up…