Drug seekers.

 

Any healthcare provider who claim’s they’re a fan could use a hefty infusion of Narcan.

But then I spent a brutal weekend spent shooting and editing our latest video, Blank Script, a Taylor Swift “Blank Space” parody about prescription drug abuse. Afterwards, I was perfectly inclined to saunter right into the nearest ER, mouth off about the dog eating my Dilaudid prescription and my 12/10 pain, and go down in a blissful opioid-induced coma…constipation and all. Sure, making this song and video was a team effort, with Devin Moore rocking the audio and the role of DevinMD. Dr. Harry, after all, donated a lion’s share of lyrical fireworks. Oh, and of course Melate Demeke (Turntable Health employee of the millennia) manned (or is it womanned?) the cameras, wardrobe, and makeup. But I’m still the one who had to deal with runs in my panty hose, nip slips, and a disturbing incident of high heels vs. a bottle of Purell (don’t ask…it was a one-in-a-million shot, doc).

So in the end, I learned a little something called empathy. As obnoxious and manipulative as these patients’ behavior can be, at the end of the day aren’t they just expressing the external manifestations of a soul-destroying, unrelenting addiction…and aren’t we really just witnessing a profound and miserable form of human suffering? Akin to having to sit through “Shake It Off” by Ms. Swift? And isn’t the medical profession, in our haste to provide comfort, at partially responsible for the overuse of narcotics that have triggered this opioid epidemic (with no help from Big Pharma)?

But that doesn’t make it any easier on us healthcare peeps working the front lines and confronting this daily. So it is for these amazing, dedicated medical professionals AND our addicted and suffering patients that we humbly present the fabulous Tay-Z, singing the tale of our least enjoyable type of patient encounter. Well, apart from the “borderlines.” Even I ain’t going there, son.

Postscript for CRPS/RSD patients:

Yo, I didn’t mean to pick on your disease, which is REAL, when I had Taylor rattle off her complaints. Please see the Facebook version below for me discussing this at the end!

Check out the Facebook video and leave your comments!

Get ZDoggMD to come speak and perform this LIVE in YOUR healthcare ‘hood!

 

 

 

No appointment I walk in
To your clinic complaining of pain
Doctor shopping once again
When I found you I thought
Oh my god, you really get me
And your last name’s followed by an MD
You’re my ticket to ecstasy…(uh, I mean “pain relief”)
Stethoscope, coat and tie
I can play you like the lottery
Tears flow, crocodile
As I tell you bout my 3 slipped discs
Chronic migraine, RSD, and abdominal pain
I define secondary gain
Did I mention I have allergies to toradol and motrin?
Don’t try to gimme those NSAID’s
Can’t take acetominophen
You ain’t dealing with a novice
Son, my pain scale starts at 10
Got a long list of ex-doctors
They’ll tell you I need help
Just gimme my pain meds, baby,
Or I’ll screw you on Yelp
I was young, I was reckless
I took things way too far
Never thought I’d get addicted
Now, I’m higher than a shooting star
Got a long list of ex-doctors
They’ll tell you I’m insane
You’ve got a blank script baby
And I’ve got some pain
Sweat is soaking through my clothes
And my brain doesn’t want to work
Snot running down my nose
Stomach’s cramping, I got the squirts
I puke till my throat’s raw
This must be what it’s like to withdraw
Wait the worst is yet to come, oh no
Screaming, crying, I’m a jerk
Family left, all because of my drugs
Sorry I can’t come to work
Must be yet another nasty “bug”
One script is all I need
Then you might think you’re rid of me
But I’ll come back each time I leave
Cause darling I’m a junkie dressed like your Auntie
Being hooked on these narcs is like torture
All the lies, wasted life, can’t take it no more
Being hooked wanna quit but I can’t cope
All this, a cry for help, you’re my last hope
I was young, I was reckless
I took things way too far
Never thought I’d get addicted
Now, I’m trying to score a fix in your ER
Got a long list of ex-doctors
They’ll tell you I’m insane
You’ve got a blank script baby
And I’ve got some pain